


times will change and so will we

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Bullying, Complicated Relationships, Fluff, Foster Care, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Alternating, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Timelines, the slowest of burns
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-01-05 23:23:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 37,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21216755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: Two boys, slowly becoming each other's family.Two men trying to fight demons of their past.Two journeys, and one story.





	1. Now- prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hey hi hello! I love AUs, and this one I've been thinking about for months, and now it's here! Biggest love for K1mHeechu1 who is helping me so, so much with this one <333 Title borrowed from 'The first time' by Isak Danielson.  
Please, keep an eye on the tags, and I hope you'll enjoy! It's another long, long ride :p

Javi stares at his coffee, debating with himself whether to take another sip or not. It's a bit too strong for his taste, and there is no milk since Matteo forgot to buy it in the morning, which he has apologized for at least five times already. Javi doesn't really mind, he needs caffeine, but the unusually strong taste makes his heart beat a little bit faster; or maybe it's just an excuse, and he is trying to convince himself that he's not stressed about the meeting that is supposed to happen in just a few minutes. It could be a turning point for him and Patrick and their small company, a good step towards their future in the business.

Javi swallows hard, his throat, itching, and grabs the cup, taking a small sip and then sighing deeply. There is a dull headache igniting in the back of his skull, something that will probably turn into a full migraine later on, and Javi curses himself internally. He really should have just taken some sleeping pills instead of staring at the ceiling until 3AM , helplessly waiting for sleep to come. Today is far too important to screw it up because of exhaustion. Luckily he has Patrick, who will be more than happy to do most of the talking, since he is the one who was in close touch with Shimada all the time, Javi too busy designing and preparing the project.

He looks at the blueprints lying on the middle of the table, his heart skipping a beat. He knows they're good, and he just prays that all the sleepless nights he spent over them were worth it.

"He's not coming!" Patrick announces, storming into the tiny conference room and Javi gasps, shocked.

"What-?"

"I just spoke to him, he can't come, some urgent business." Patrick says, putting his hands on the table and leaning forward to look Javi in the eyes, looking strangely calm "But the meeting is happening, he's sending his business partner- you remember Takahashi? And apparently his son is also coming."

"That's... good?" Javi says carefully, not sure himself, and Patrick snorts.

"Of course it is! If he weren't decided he would just tell us to fuck off, and instead he's sending his son to make him learn more about the business. We're all good, Javi."

Patrick sounds confident as always, and that calms Javi down a bit. That's one of the things he admires his friend for, for always believing in himself, for believing in Javi and their little company that had started as a crazy idea planned over beers when they were still poor students.And now here they are , one step away from getting their first big contract.

"Don't stress out, Javi, it will be okay." Patrick smiles before looking over his shoulder "Hey, Matteo, everything prepared?"

"Yeah, yeah, a second!" a young voice exclaims and a few moments later Matteo walks inside the room carrying a jug of water and a few glasses, placing them neatly on the table "Should I bring some flowers too? Or anything?"

"Hmm, maybe? To brighten the mood up a little." Patrick wonders "Do we have any flowers though?"

"We have a fern on the bathroom sill." Matteo offers and Javi can't help but laugh at that shortly, relaxing a little bit. He can always count on Matteo to lift his mood.

"I think we will pass." he chuckles, shaking his head, and Matteo grins at him in return "You can- ah!" he yelps when a loud buzz sounds over his voice, and then flinches, knocking down the little cup with pencils that was standing close to his elbow.

"Everyone, stay calm!" Patrick exclaims, rushing out of the room, Matteo following him rapidly.

Javi curses under his breath, getting up from his chair and kneeling down on the floor, trying to collect all the pens and pencils scattered on the floor. He can hear Patrick and Matteo talking with someone just outside the room and he curses again, the voices clear and polite. Javi can recognize Takahashi, a man they had talked with a few times before, but there is also another voice, younger, calm and quiet, and Javi wonders if this is the son Patrick mentioned before.

"- please, come in, my colleague is waiting for us-"

Javi manages to stand up just in time, frantically putting everything back into the cup and pretending that everything is okay. And then, he looks up, and everything freezes.

There are dark eyes looking into his,the time stops for a moment, and Javi feels like his stomach is churning, his legs are going weak, and he almost has to grab the edge of the table not to tumble down.

_ It can't be true. It can't- _

"This is Javier Fernandez, my colleague, main architect." Patrick says with ease, clearly not noticing anything odd "Javi, this is mister Shimada's son, Yuzuru-"

"Hanyu." it rings in Javi's ears, quiet but deafening "That's my birth name. I've been adopted by my parents, but I kept it."

The world starts to spin, and Javi can only stare, stare at that face that is so painfully familiar, even after all these years, and he looks into these eyes, but he almost doesn't recognize the look in them, these black irises that seem to be carrying a storm in them.

"Of course." Patrick nods, a friendly smile on his face "Please, sit down."

Javi sits down as well head swimming, and he knows he has to get a grip, he has to, despite the fact that _he_ is on the other side of the table, looking at him as if Javi was a stranger, and maybe he is, but Javi's heart can't slow down, because it's the last thing he would have ever expected to happen

He somehow senses that Patrick finally understands that something is not exactly right, because his voice gets a bit too cheerful and loud, but Javi still can't react, and Yuzuru is still looking at him silently, his eyes boring holes in Javi's face. He's silent too, and Takahashi clears his throat discreetly before picking up the conversation with Patrick, going straight to business, and Javi is grateful for that because he can't think clearly and he can't focus, and he can only stare, and curl his hands on his knees to somehow keep himself in check.

Yuzuru looks so much different now, so much more mature than Javi remembers, which is no surprise. His hair is cut nicely, his features sharper, the look in his eyes hard. He is so familiar, but at the same time he looks like a complete stranger, and Javi can't help it, he closes his eyes for a moment, trying to breathe, trying to calm himself down.

_ It's okay it's okay it's okay it's- _

"Excuse me." he all but wheezes, standing up and basically running away, rushing past a very confused Matteo and locking himself in the bathroom, plastering himself against the door and closing his eyes, trying to breathe, to force air past his clenched throat. 

A small voice in the back of his head is telling him that he is being dramatic, that he should go back there, help to close the deal, and then touch Yuzuru’s shoulder, hug him, ask him how he has been. But Javi thinks of those eyes, hard and almost judging, and he wonders if it really is his Yuzuru, still. 

It takes him a few moments, to collect himself, to make demons of his past hide in depth of his mind again. He washes his face with cold water, avoiding looking in the mirror, scared of what he would see there. 

“Hey, you okay?” Matteo asks with worry when Javi is on his way back to the conference room “You’re so pale, and they just left by the way-”

“I’m fine.” Javi lies, not knowing if he’s relieved or disappointed, but Matteo scrunches his nose, knowing him too well not to look through that facade. 

“I will make you some tea.” Matteo announces, sounding just like his mother, and Javi has to smile, a little. 

He’s a bit anxious, walking inside the room, and he swallows hard when he sees an unimpressed glance Patrick sends him his way. 

“I’m sorry, I-”

“Dude.” Patrick sighs “What happened?”

Javi opens his mouth, but he can’t, he can’t do it now, he can’t tell Patrick the whole story just like that, when it all doesn’t even feel real. So, he clears his throat, stepping a bit closer, fingers curling on the edge of the table. 

“I’m sorry, I- I felt unwell.”

“Yeah, I could tell you were stressed as hell.” Patrick says, his smile turning sympathetic “But well, all ended well!”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah!” Patrick is grinning now, his expression delighted “After you rushed out Hanyu said everything looked good, signed the contract- he didn’t even read it through, I swear- and left almost as quickly as you. What a weird kid, huh.” Patrick chuckled and Javi’s stomach churned “But! Today we celebrate! Let’s go over the paperwork quickly and get some drinks, what do you say?” Patrick claps, standing up and heading towards the door “Matteo, kid, we’re going out soon, I hope you have your party shirt hidden somewhere-”

Javi sits down heavily, his mind barely registering the cheerful conversation between Patrick and Matteo. He stares at the empty chair across the table and wonders if he just let Yuzuru leave his life all over again.


	2. Then

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, this story is alive! Hope you'll enjoy!

Yuzuru’s fingers felt numb from how hard he was holding his plushie, and he glanced at the dark world moving behind the car window, wondering where he was and where he was going, exactly. It was late, and Yuzuru knew it was cold outside, and he swallowed hard, trying to make something out from the dots of light scattered outside.

“We’re close, sweetheart.” mrs Wilson said from the driver’s seat “I know you’re tired, but you’ll be in a bed soon.”

Yuzuru nodded, clutching his toy harder and bringing it against his chest, moving his gaze to look at the top of its head, where the plastic fur was short and itchy. It wasn’t even his own toy, just an old bear one nurse had given him when he was in a hospital. He wondered how many other kids had been crying into the soft belly of the plushie, until it turned stiff and shabby.

“Yuzu?”

Yuzuru flinched, looking up and meeting mrs Wilson’s eyes in the back mirror.

“I’m okay.” he said, his voice quiet and small, and she smiled at him briefly before focusing fully on the road.

Yuzuru wasn’t okay and she knew it. His thin body shuddered and he bit on his bottom lip, trying not to sob, because he had cried so much during past weeks, he wasn’t even sure if there was even a single tear left in his body.

He flinched suddenly, a small grimace appearing on his lips when he felt a sharp pain striking his left leg, starting somewhere close to his ankle and then shooting up to his knee, Yuzuru gritted his teeth, fingers digging into the plushie in his hands, and after a moment pain turned into numb, nagging pulsing.

“Okay, here we are!” mrs Wilson exclaimed, turning left and then stopping on a driveway in front of a big house that looked pretty old in a faint light of street lights. It looked dark, and overwhelming, and Yuzuru felt a wave of fear coiling in his chest, squeezing his lungs and blocking his throat, and he didn’t want to leave the car, he wanted to stay inside forever and pretend that he was going somewhere nice and safe.

Mrs Wilson got out of the car and then opened the door on Yuzuru’s side, and in the faint light he could see her warm, a bit tired smile, and Yuzuru’s throat clenched painfully. He has asked her once if he couldn’t stay with her, and she shook her head with the saddest, most gentle expression. She was the only person he trusted since he had woken up in a hospital, and she was the only person he felt somewhat safe around. And now, she was going to leave him in that mysterious, dark place, and Yuzuru would be alone yet again.

“Come on, sweetie.”

Yuzuru blinked and saw that she was extending her hand, waiting for him to take it. In the other hand she was holding a bag, the one she had bought herself and filled with too big clothes and a yellow toothbrush- everything Yuzuru owned, if not counting the worn- out teddy bear in his hand.

It was cold outside and Yuzuru shuddered in his thin jacket, trying to match mrs Wilson’s footsteps as she quickly led him to the house; the only things Yuzuru noticed that it was a quiet neighborhood, similar to the one Yuzuru had grown up in, and he stumbled a bit, his left leg feeling weak and not able to hold him up properly.

Mrs Wilson pressed the doorbell and smiled at Yuzuru, squeezing his fingers gently.

“You will like it in here, Jenny is a lovely person, so is her husband. And I’m sure you’ll be getting along with other kids too.”

Yuzuru just nodded numbly, looking down and noticing old, ugly doormat. He still wasn’t sure how it was supposed to work, that place. Mrs Wilson told her that it would be nicer than emergency shelter and that he would… he would stay there until someone would want to take care of him. Or until he would grow up.

Yuzuru felt tears gathering in the corners of his eyes, traitorous and unexpected, and he blinked rapidly, biting on his lower lip. He had to be strong, that was what his dad had always said-

The door opened and there was a woman standing there, a bit younger than mrs Wilson, but looking even more tired. She was holding a small child, Yuzuru had no idea how old, that was looking at visitors with big, dark eyes.

“Tracy, hi!” the woman smiled, leaning to kiss mrs Wilson’s cheek “I was starting to worry, you took long-?”

“There was some afternoon traffic.” mrs Wilson explained, following the woman- Jenny, apparently- inside and gently tugging at Yuzuru’s arm, making him stand in front of her “And this is Yuzuru.”

“Hello. I’m Jenny.” she smiled, touching Yuzuru’s cheek with a feather- like touch, but Yuzuru flinched anyway. She blinked and backed off immediately, and he felt guilty for his reaction. But she only smiled, and readjusted the baby she was holding in her arms.

“And this is Lincoln.” she said “He’s a little bit cranky, because his teeth are coming out. Are you hungry? I can make you a sandwich, or we have some pasta leftovers from dinner. Tracy, you would probably like a cup of tea before your way back-”

“That would be lovely-”

Yuzuru followed them to the kitchen numbly, his brain fixated on Jenny’s words, way back, way back, way back. He paid barely any attention to the room he was now in, big and filled with light., and he barely registered when Jenny put in front of him a cup of tea and a small plate with two toasts.

“Eat something, sweetheart, you must be tired.” she said, sitting in front of him, on the other side of the table “So, Yuzuru? It’s a pretty name.”

“Yuzu.” he said quietly, looking down and fixing his eyes on the cup in front of him “That’s what people say, usually.”

“Okay, Yuzu.” she smiled “You can call me Jenny, and my husband Michael. There are also mr and mrs Kershaw, they help out around the house. Mrs Kershaw is a great cook.”

Yuzuru blinked slowly, not looking up, trying to wrap his brain about what was happening. He was going to live in that place, in that house, and Jenny would be… who she was, exactly?

“How many other kids is staying in here now?” Tracy asked and that made Yuzuru look up finally, his heart jumping into his throat, anxiety making his blood feel like ice in his veins.

“Now five.” Jenny smiled “I know you wanted to place hi- Yuzu in a smaller place.”

“I think it would be more comfortable for him.” mrs Wilson smiled, gently touching Yuzuru’s hair “Do you-’

“Oh, excuse me.” Jenny said, standing up abruptly “Just a second.”

Yuzuru grimaced with confusion, but then realized that the thing that made Jenny react was a sound of the front door, slow and quiet, as if someone was trying to sneak out- or sneak in.

“Twenty minutes after curfew, again.” he heard Jenny’s voice, scolding but not really angry “Javi, we talked about it-”

Then there was another voice, quiet and apologetic. Yuzuru couldn’t make out any words, but after a few seconds he heard Jenny’s laughter and Lincoln’s happy babbling.

“I’m sorry.” Jenny said when she was back a moment later, and mrs Wilson smiled at her with understanding.

“Boys at that age are a piece of work.”

“He’s a good one, just loses track of time sometimes.”

Yuzuru glanced over Jenny’s shoulder and through the open door he saw a corridor, and he saw someone walking there, with Lincoln in his arms.

He lost track of time, staring into space, until mrs Wilson’s hand on his shoulder brought him to reality.

“I need to go, Yuzu.” she said softly and Yuzuru’s breathing hitched, and he felt panic approaching; he opened his mouth, trying to breathe, but his throat was clenched, and he gasped, terrified.

“Oh sweetie, it’s going to be okay.” mrs Wilson said softly, cupping Yuzuru’s cheek and rubbing soothing circles on his cheek “I will call you, and you could send me some letter with your pretty drawing. I would like that a lot. What you say?”

Yuzuru sniffled and nodded, and Tracy smiled at him gently before kissing his forehead and standing up. Yuzuru wanted to run after her, beg her not to leave him, but he didn’t have enough strength, he even didn’t have strength to cry, to say anything. He was just able to watch her hug Jenny, to see her giving him one more smile before she walked out of the kitchen and then out of the house, and he a moment later he could hear how she started the engine and drove away, and yet again in his life Yuzuru felt terribly, utterly lonely.

“Okay, Yuzu.” Jenny said, breaking through his daze “I will show you where you can take a shower, and then I’ll check if your bed is ready. Is it alright?”

Yuzuru nodded slowly and Jenny smiled encouragingly, grabbing his bag and the hesitating for a second, before slowly reaching for the teddy bear.

“I’ll take this too, okay? Put it on your bed?”

Yuzuru frowned, but then he thought that he shouldn’t act like a small child anymore, and he hesitantly handed her the plushie.

“Good. Now, follow me.”

The bathroom was spacious, a bit old and cold, and Yuzuru shuddered as he slowly undressed himself and stepped into the bath. It was big Yuzuru thought that if he filled it, he would probably drown. He was tempted to try, to disappear in hot water. But that would take time, and in the end Yuzuru didn’t know if he wanted to sit there all alone. He was tired, so tired, and he hoped that maybe he could sleep everything away, the memories, pain in his leg and aching in his heart.

He slowly changed into sleeping clothes he had taken out of his bag, and he grabbed his yellow toothbrush, a gift from Tracy. He borrowed a toothpaste from a little basket standing on the sink and then he looked into a mirror, for what felt like the first time in forever.

He almost didn’t look like himself.

He was paler than he remembered, his hair longer, eyes seeming bigger. His hair was a tad too long, falling into his eyes, sticking in all directions.

His mom would have hated it.

It hurt so much again, his leg, his chest, and he closed his eyes, trying to breathe calmly, because the last thing he needed was an attack right now, in that big, scary bathroom, with no one he trusted around. Yuzuru closed his eyes, fingers curling on the edge of the sink, hiding his head in between his arms and focusing on breathing in and out steadily, until his throat and chest felt normal.

He didn’t have any slippers, or flip flops, and he didn’t want to wear his scratchy, ugly socks, so he exited the bathroom barefoot, hold floor making him shiver. He clutched his clothes tighter, feeling terribly small and vulnerable in his baggy pyjamas, and he looked around. The corridor was dark, and there was only faint light coming from the kitchen, and Yuzuru’s heart dropped. Jenny was nowhere to be seen, and Yuzuru wanted to call for her, but he was too scared to spoke loudly, a bit scared in the unknown darkness.

He took one hesitant step forward, the old wooden floor cracking under his foot, and he froze, terrified and on the verge of tears again. He sniffled quietly, tightening the grip around the bundle in his arms, and he decided to go to the kitchen and wait there, but before he could take another step, he heard quiet footsteps and some dark, taller figure exited the kitchen.

“Oh, someone’s here!” the figure- a boy- exclaimed, and a second later a lightbulb cracked above his head, and Yuzuru blinked quickly, adjusting to the sudden brightness, and he looked at the stranger again.

It was a boy, a few years older than Yuzuru, with hair curling around his head. He was wearing sweatpants and a t- shirt, and he was holding a glass of water. His eyes were dark and curious, his smile friendly, and Yuzuru shifted his weight from one leg to another, feeling a bit awkward under the boy’s gaze.

“Don’t be scared.” the stranger smiled “I’m Javi. And you must be… hmm, Jenny told me your name, but I’m afraid I forgot, I’m sorry-”

“Yuzu.” he managed to say and the stranger smiled brightly, taking a step closer.

“That’s nice! Is it short for something?”

“Yes, Yuzuru.”

“Sounds really cool. Mine’s from Javier, kinda boring.”

The boy- Javi- was standing close now, and Yuzuru was still feeling a bit awkward and lost, but at the same time he couldn’t help but sense some good energy radiating from him, and that made him feel a tiny bit more relaxed.

“It’s nice to meet you.” Yuzuru said politely, extending his hand, and Javi chuckled as he shook it, his grip gentle and calloused.

“It’s nice to meet you too. Okay, I will take you upstairs, I saw Jenny carrying some fresh sheets. Come.” Javi said, patting Yuzuru’s shoulder, before heading for the stairs. Yuzuru hesitated for a second, but then followed Javi, wincing when his bare feet ignited even more cracking sounds.

“The house is really old. I’m sleeping in the attic, and there is so much noise sometimes.” Javi babbled happily, and stopped when they reached the first floor “Okay, there’s your place.” he said, pointing a door that was a bit open, a golden light coming from inside “Uh, one advice- don’t listen to whatever Liam says, he’s a pest. So- “ he ruffled Yuzuru’s hair “Sleep tight, I’ll see you tomorrow!”

With that, Javi continued his way upstairs, and Yuzuru slowly walked to the door, sticking his head inside. There were three beds, occupied by boys around Yuzuru’s age, scribbling something in their notebooks. The third bet was empty, but Jenny was standing right next to it carefully placing Yuzuru's plushie on the pillow.

"Who are you?"

Yuzuru flinched, realizing that they boys noticed him, and were staring at him with some weird urgency, their intense gaze making Yuzuru uncomfortable.

"Ahh, you're here. You were quick." Jenny smiled, gesturing at him to come closer "Boys, this is Yuzuru. Yuzu, please meet Liam and Anthony."

"Hello." Yuzuru smiled shyly and they returned the greeting, looking at him a bit suspiciously.

"Alright, here's your bed, and there you can keep your things." she said, showing him a small cabinet next to the bed "Tomorrow we will find you some fitting clothes, huh. And now, jump in."

Yuzuru let her wrap him in a blanket, and he clutched his teddy bear in his hands, feeling so tired his eyes were closing on their own.

"If you need something, I'm on the other side of the corridor." she said softly, brushing his bangs away "Goodnight. And you boys, be nice. I'm turning the light off, and if you want to have cocoa for breakfast, you won't turn it on."

One of the boys- Anthony?- scoffed loudly, but Jenny only sent him a stern look before switching the light off and exiting the room.

Yuzuru closed his eyes, ready to fall into some very needed sleep, his brain barely working, but an urgent whisper pulled him back from the edge of slumber.

"Hey, new one! Ehh… Yuzuru?"

"Yes?"

"Where are your parents?"

Yuzuru opened his eyes, his heartbeat picking up, a lump back in his throat, heavy and nagging.

"Mine just didn't pick me up after school one day." the other boy said "It's Anthony, by the way. But I think they will come find me one day, they just took off to find some money."

"Yeah, sure." that boy had to be Liam "What about you, Yuzuru? Are yours going to pick you up miraculously, like Anthony's imaginatory-"

"Shut the fuck up-"

"Come on, I just-"

"They're dead."

The words left Yuzuru's mouth so painfully easily, two words flying away like birds, disappearing in the night sky.

A moment of silence, and then Liam sighed, shifting around.

"Like my old man. After that mother started drinking and I ended up here. Fucking misery."

He was saying something more, muttering as if to himself, but Yuzuru didn't listen. Instead, he turned on his side, covering his head with the blanket and nuzzling against the pillow, thinking that maybe it wouldn't be that bad to never wake up again.

  
  


When he woke up, for a moment he had no idea where he was, but then he saw Anthony's face, and everything came back to him.

"Breakfast is ready." Anthony informed him, zipping his hoodie up "If you are quick, you will make it before we run out of maple syrup."

Yuzuru didn't care about maple syrup, he didn't care about food, about anything. He wanted to go to sleep again, he didn't want to feel, to think. But he knew that if he wouldn't move, someone would come and force him, and he was terrified of that scenario. So he slowly got up, dressed himself into clothes from the day before, feeling a bit awkward with Anthony still being there, but his new roommate was polite enough not to look, occupied with his backpack and muttering something about his assignment that was apparently lost somewhere.

"Okay, that's hopeless." Anthony decided the same moment Yuzuru put his socks on "Come, I haven't eaten either."

Yuzuru glanced at Anthony, and he realized that after the seemingly harsh expression was hiding a boy who was suffering probably as much as Yuzuru. There was so much sadness in his blue eyes, and Yuzuru felt like maybe, someday, they would talk about it. But now, Yuzuru didn't want to speak to anyone, or see anyone, but he knew that he had to, that he had to try and fit in, because the people in the house were now the only people in his life.

"Hey." Anthony patted his shoulder "Come on, you will feel better after food."

Yuzuru followed him downstairs dutifully, but his stomach dropped when they entered the kitchen, everyone turning to look at him, unfamiliar eyes searching his face curiously.

"Ah, you woke up! Sit here sweetie, Anthony, you too." Janny said, smiling at them over her shoulder before turning attention to whatever she was doing by the kitchen counter "There are still some pancakes left, if it's not enough let me know guys. You want orange juice or tea?"

"Umm." Yuzuru mumbled, sitting down awkwardly, trying not to look at two girls at the table staring at him openly "Juice."

"Good. Girls, say hi to Yuzuru, okay? Sarah, Vanessa?"

"Hello." a freckled redhead said, smiling at Yuzuru from across the table "I'm Sarah. And this is Vanessa." she elbowed a girl sitting next to her, with black curly hair and shy smile "It's nice to meet you."

"Hi." Yuzuru said, still avoiding eye contact. He didn't want to be rude, but he felt like he was about to burst into tears in mere seconds and he was just trying to control himself. He stared at the plate with pancakes in front of him, and his stomach churned, and he didn't know if he wanted to eat or if he just felt like throwing up.

"Yuzu, please, eat something." Jenny said, making her way to him and touching the top of his head "Anthony, Liam went out already?"

"Yep. He has a meeting with his friends before school." Anthony said and she clicked her tongue, disapproving.

"We're gonna have a talk about it soon. Sara, sweetie, you finished? Could you please go up and wake Javi up, I swear this boy-"

"I'm up, I'm up." a familiar, now slightly grumpy voice said, and a moment later Javi walked into the kitchen, hiding a yawn behind his palm "Morning, everyone."

"Hi!" everyone exclaimed, and Yuzuru noticed that suddenly everyone was smiling widely, as if Javi brought some good energy with him. Yuzuru was still feeling a bit numb, battling with his stiff fingers and trying to force them to hold the fork properly, and he barely registered what was going on around him, Jenny asking to pick some documents up from the principal's office and his acknowledging nods.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm running-"

"But breakfast!"

"I've got an apple, look! I will be fine, no worry." Javi smiled before kissing Jenny's cheek and heading towards the door.

"Have a good day, kiddo." he said as he walked past Yuzuru, ruffling his hair gently and then disappearing outside before Yuzuru could react. It was surprising, but for some reason the touch itself wasn't as startling as other people's. Maybe it was because of the faint memory of the evening before and Javi's friendly smile.

"You ate something? Good." Jenny's voice brought him from his daze "Girls, Anthony, get your stuff and straight to school. Me and Yuzu are going to get him some new clothes and other things, so tomorrow you will all go together." she smiled and Yuzuru felt fear squeezing his heart with cold, cold fingers.

He wasn't ready, to face that new life. But he knew that he had no choice.   
  



	3. Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like this story, so I hope you will enjoy!

“Cheers, gentlemen!” Patrick exclaims, raising his glass “To the bright future!”

“Cheers!”

Javi smiles absently from behind his glass, taking a small sip. He’s trying his best to act normally, and Patrick seems to be buying it, or at least he is pretending to do so. He’s not the one to dig into someone’s personal space, especially if the person in question doesn’t want to talk. And now he is busy anyway, talking animatedly and with excitement, and Javi wishes he could share his enthusiasm. Hell, it’s a success, he should be celebrating too, laugh and drink a bit too much. But he can’t really focus, so he keeps on nodding and staring at his glass, because he knows that if he looks up, he will meet Matteo’s searching gaze, and he won’t be able to hide anything. 

Matteo didn’t ask about anything, but Javi knew that he will, the moment they would be alone, and he swallowed hard, trying to form sentences in his head. He knows he will tell the truth, all of it; if it was Patrick he would dismiss it, come up with some lame story, but this is Matteo, his family, and Javi feels his throat itch.

Family. 

Long time ago, in another life, Yuzuru was his family too. 

It feels almost unreal, the memory of what happened just a few hours before, Yuzuru sitting so close and yet more distant than ever, a stranger Javi almost didn’t recognize. 

His heart aches.

He never forgot. He just buried the memories and feelings deep inside him, bottling them up and trying to live his life, and now he feels the cap twisting, and he desperately tries to keep himself together. 

The evening stretches, and Javi can barely stand it, the noise around him, scent of alcohol in his nose, Patrick’s loud blabbering. He is ready to find some excuse, or scream, when Matteo suggests gently that it’s time to leave and takes his phone out to order Patrick an uber, his eyes catching Javi’s.

“You’re going to the underground, right?”

Javi nods. 

They send Patrick home and start walking, silent at first, as if Matteo wants to give Javi some time to prepare, and that’s probably what he’s doing, thoughtful and careful.

It’s not very late, the night in a nice shade of deep blue, street lights on but not really needed, cars and neons giving more than enough light. 

“It took me a moment.” Matteo says finally, his elbow brushing Javi’s “And then, I recognized the name. Yuzuru.”

Javi flinches, his fingers curling at his sides, and he clears his throat, trying to get rid of that annoying itching. 

“I didn’t think you would remember.” he says finally, glad that his voice isn’t breaking “You saw him only once, and you were a kid back then.”

“Some people say I still am.” Matteo says, and Javi is grateful for that change of the tone, a bit of familiarity. And then his chest feels full again, and he doesn’t know what to say, and it all feels too much, so he coughs again, trying to ease that pressure settled over his heart. 

“I just want to make sure you’re okay.” Matteo adds, and Javi is not, and he’s not going to pretend.

He stops, and leans heavily against the wall of the nearest building, his head spinning, breathing laboured. He’s not okay, and skin on his left side itches, sharp and nagging, and he can’t breathe, he can’t-

And then there are arms around him, strong and steady, and Javi wonders when Matteo got as tall as him, and suddenly he feels like a teenager again, lost and alone and in need of help.

“Shh.” Matteo mutters and Javi realizes that he is shaking like a leaf, and it would be embarrassing if they haven’t been through worse.

“Okay.” Javi says with difficulty, breaking the hug “I- thanks.”

“Sure.” Matteo smiles reassuringly “You want to come over? Mom and dad would love to see you.”

“Maybe another time.”

Javi is grateful, he always was, for all the warmth Matteo’s family surrounded him and Laura with, but now he feels like he needs to be alone, liked he needs to slowly digest everything what happened, make peace with the past that didn’t want to stay buried. 

They key turns in the lock with difficulty, and Javi reminds himself to do something about it, finally. He entered the apartment, quiet and dark, not even Effie deciding to greet him. 

It’s not like he was expecting someone. 

He goes straight to the bathroom, his shirt rough on his back and shoulders, and he grimaces when he takes it off, sharp scent of cigarettes and his own sweat filling his nose. He takes his pants off, underwear, socks, and looks in the mirror, his heart clenching, like every day for the past twelve years. 

It’s always there, ugly and irregular, raised skin in ugly shade of purple, a constant reminder. 

Javi closes his eyes, and thinks about Yuzuru.

He thinks about that terrified boy he met in the dark corridor of that house that sometimes felt like home. 

He thinks about laughter and tears, long nights they spent on talking, walks to and from school, about sitting on the roof and looking at stars. 

Javi opens his eyes and wipes tears from his face with quick, irritated moves of his hand. 

He takes a shower and brushes his teeth, and then puts on his favourite pajama pants, the one Cortney hates so much, because they’re ugly and so washed out the color is barely visible now. 

Maybe it’s a part of the reason why she left him, because he can’t let go of some things?

He walks to the bedroom, and he finds Effie curled on one of the pillows, and his lips curl up in a smile, but his expression dims as he looks at the wardrobe, his chest growing a little bit tight again. 

Slowly, he kneels down and buries his hands in a pile of sweaters, searching until he feels a smooth surface of a plastic bag, and his heart skips a beat, and there is a lump in his throat again, terrible and suffocating. He lets go of the package, burying it under clothes and then crawling into bed, curling under the blanket and taking a deep breathe.

Effie purrs quietly, opening one eye to look at him and then promptly falling asleep again, and Javi thinks that it feels good, to be not alone.

* * *

The next day Patrick rolls into the office with sunglasses on his nose and a big latte in his hand, his expression deeply unamused.

“Good morning.” Javi says and Patrick grumbles, sitting down on his chair and sighing.

“Morning.” 

Javi knows not to poke him more until he feels better, so he just watches with amusement how Matteo silently brings Patrick some pills and a glass of water, grinning at Javi over Patrick’s head. 

He feels better than a day before. It’s still odd, and there are moment in which he feels like it’s some kind of a messed up dream- but he accepts it. He accepts that he saw Yuzuru, and he accepts that he is never going to see him again. His life was never easy, and always full of loss, and he likes to think that he knows how to deal with it. He’s not a child, anymore.

He manages to focus on his taskas, and gets some work done, for sure more than Patrick who spends most of the day on drinking coffee, napping on the sofa and complaining. Everything is so normal, that by the end of the day Javi feels pretty okay, controlling his emotions and pushing them down where they belong. He texts with Laura, and she spams him with photos of the kids and plans for the next weeks. She asks if he will come for Christmas and he promises that he will, quickly counting the days. 

Three months. He will get himself together till then, for sure,

“Dinner on Sunday!” Matteo yells from behind his computer when Javi passes him on his way out, and Javi chuckles, promising he will be there.

It’s okay, he will be okay. 

He winces when he steps outside the building, cold raindrops hitting his face, and of course he doesn’t have an umbrella, or even a proper jacket with a hoodie. So he ducks his head, shoulders trembling a little in the cold, and he thinks that maybe he should run, when suddenly there is someone standing on his way and he stops abruptly, raising his head.

His heart skips a beat. 

Yuzuru looks at him for a moment, eyes dark and unreadable, and then he takes a step closer so his umbrella is over Javi’s head too, and for a moment all Javi can hear is the sound of rain hitting the material, and he can’t look away, and he can’t collect his thoughts, or calm his heart down.

The silence stretches till eternity, and they are so much closer than a day before, and Javi can see more, all the details; some of them familiar, like that faint scar on Yuzuru’s chin, or the way he is tilting his head when he is deep in thought, a little bit to the right. But there are also new things, so many of them, going beyond that strange look in his eyes. They way he is standing, stiff and tense, how his lips are pressed in a tight line, not giving anything away. 

Javi wants to run away, to ignore that person, so different from the boy he used to know. 

But also, he wants to take Yuzuru in his arms. See if maybe he can find him. 

He doesn’t make a move.

“Hi.” Yuzuru says, after the whole infinity, his voice blank and flat, just like his expression “It’s been long, Javi.”

“Twelve years.” Javi says, and his voice is cracking, because it sounds so odd, saying it out loud. So final. Twelve years apart. Is it even possible, to shorten that distance between them? 

Do they want it?

For the briefest of moments, Yuzuru’s face scrunches, twists with something like regret and misery and longing, but then the mask is back again, smooth and distant. 

“Would you eat dinner with me? I have a few hours till my flight.” Yuzuru says, the words sounding rehearsed. Javi wants to ask where is he going, but then he remembers that Shimada lives in Vancouver, so probably this is where Yuzuru is going.

He nods, his heart thudding painfully. 

_ You were there, all that time? _

They don’t speak as Yuzuru leads him to a car, big black Toyota, and they sit in the backseat, the driver turning the engine on, not asking where to go. 

There is silence again, heavy against Javi’s chest, weighing on his shoulders. He wants to look at Yuzuru, but he stops himself, suddenly terrified of meeting his eyes. 

What is going to happen now? Will they be silent all the time, or maybe they will talk? Talk about what, exactly, and how? Javi isn’t sure if they are able to talk normally, without that terrible distance suffocating them, and they can’t pretend like nothing happened. 

He knows what they will talk about, what they have to talk about, and his stomach clenches painfully. 

The ride doesn’t take long, a few minutes until they stop in front of a hotel Javi knows is very fancy and very expensive, and the knot in his stomach only tightens when he realizes that all he could allow himself to buy in the hotel restaurant would be a cup of tea and maybe the cheapest soup.

A serious- looking waiter leads the to a table situated in a bit of a distance from other, giving them menus before disappearing quietly like a ghost, and Javi can’t remember the last time he felt so uncomfortable. So he is just sitting there, in his plain grey button-up and jeans, staring at the pages in front of him and it all feels just _ wrong _. 

His throat is dry and itching, but luckily there is water, so he takes a few sips, trying not to drink too greedily, and then he realizes that Yuzuru is watching him, eyes focused and attentive like a hawk.

“That boy in the office… it was Matteo, right?”

“Yes.” Javi nods, surprised “I- I didn’t think you’d remember him.”

“I do.” Yuzuru says quietly “I remember everything.” 

Javi blinks, feeling a lump forming in his throat, his eyes meeting Yuzuru’s, and he can almost see tension cracking in the air between them, little cold sparks. 

_ Are you there _ , he wants to ask, looking into these two black oceans in front of him. _ Are you there, Yuzu? _

_ I’ve missed you so much. _

_ Who are you? _

The moment is broken when the waiter comes back with a bottle of wine Javi knows nothing about, and he flinches before ordering the cheapest salad on the list.

And then, they’re alone again, and Javi won’t stand another eternity of silence, so he takes one desperate breath, and jumps.

“You live in Vancouver?” 

“Now, yes.” Yuzuru nods stiffly “But we lived in Japan, before.”

“That’s cool.” Javi says, not really thinking, just happy the conversation is going somehow “You always wanted to go.”

Yuzuru blinks, and Javi can swear he can see his composure cracking, so he decides to press further and maybe, maybe it can lead somewhere, anywhere better.

“So, how-”

“Javi.” Yuzuru cuts him off, his shoulders tense “Are you okay?”

And there it is. Anxiety, rooted deep in Yuzuru’s eyes as he is looking straight at Javi, fingers curled on his glass. There is so much more to that question, and they’re the only two people who know it.

“I’m good.” Javi says softly, and Yuzuru seems to be surprised by the tone, swallowing visibly before looking down at his glass, suddenly unable to look Javi in the eyes.

“I wanted to visit you, after-” his voice cracks “But they didn’t let me, and then- then they took me, and-”

“I’m happy they found you.” Javi says “You deserved it.”

“Did I?” Yuzuru whispers, and for the first time during this two days he looks unsure, almost vulnerable “Did I, Javi?”

“It wasn’t your fault.” Javi says, his tongue heavy and stiff “And I tried to find you, you know? But-”

Yuzuru stands up rapidly, almost knocking the glass down, and Javi can see how desperately he is trying to keep the last bits of his composure, and that sight is breaking his heart.

“I need to go.” Yuzuru says, his eyes shining “I- it was good to see you, Javi. I-” he doesn’t finish, only grabs his jacket and walks quickly, as if he wants to run, get away as fast as possible. 

Javi doesn’t know how long he sits there, staring at the door and feeling both numb and to full, too much of everything and yet there is a terrible emptiness in his stomach that isn’t coming from hunger.

So, that was it? Yuzuru came back to his life only to leave again, making a mess in a place Javi managed to clean up?

“Excuse me, sir?”

Javi raises his head and sees the waiter, who smiles at him politely before putting a plate down.

“Please don’t worry about the bill, sir. It’s already covered.” he says before walking away, and Javi sits there, unmoved, and tries not to cry. 


	4. Then

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is not very exciting but necessary! So glad to be back to this story!

"Yuzu, are you up? Honey, you need to hurry-"

Yuzuru closed his eyes shut and curled into a small ball, as if he could somehow disappear, blanket draped over his head working as an invisible cloak. It didn't work, of course, and after a moment he heard someone entering the room and grabbing the hem of the blanket, exposing Yuzuru to the world. 

“Are you feeling okay?” Jenny asked with concern, touching his forehead briefly, and Yuzuru almost fought an urge to cover his head with the blanket again. 

He had been supposed to go to school on Thursday, but because of a sudden fever Jenny kept him home, clearly worried about him. Those were a few blissful days, despite his physical weakness, because Yuzuru could just stay in his bed, pretend to be sleeping, pretend that everything was okay, for a few more days. 

But now it was Monday, and Yuzuru couldn’t pretend anymore, and he couldn’t keep on running away for that new life he had to build now. 

There was a loud thudding coming from downstairs, and a high pitched voice- Vanessa’s, probably- and Jenny flinched, looking conflicted as she glanced at Yuzuru, carefully reaching out to ruffle his hair. 

“I need to check what’s going on, but I need you to be dressed and downstairs in a few minutes, honey.” she said, and Yuzuru felt a little bit guilty, for causing her so much trouble, because she was showing all the kindness. But he didn’t want to be there, and he didn’t want to go, he wanted to sleep, sleep until he wouldn’t feel anything, until it wouldn’t be that hard. 

But his mom had always told him to be a good boy, so after Jenny left, Yuzuru forced himself to get up, his numb fingers barely managing to button his shirt up. He was terrified of going downstairs and seeing the rest of the people living in the house, but he was terrified even more of going out, going to school, surround himself with even more strangers, and Yuzuru felt so sick he would probably throw up if his stomach wasn’t completely empty. 

His backpack felt so incredibly heavy as Yuzuru was slowly walking downstairs, his heart in his throat, and he couldn’t stop himself from feeling a little bit relieved when the only people in the kitchen were Jenny, Lincoln and a very sleepy- looking Javi, who sent Yuzuru a big smile that immediately turned into a yawn. 

“Hey there, feeling better?” he asked and Yuzuru nodded silently before sitting by the opposite edge of the table, staring down at a plate full of sandwiches and feeling his stomach twisting. 

“At least one, okay?” Jenny asked softly, putting down a mug with hot cocoa and brushing Yuzuru’s hair “And then Javi will walk you to school, the rest of guys left already with Michael.”

He had seen Michael only once during the past, days, that tall man who didn’t really talk much but his smile was kind. Anthony told Yuzuru that he wasn’t in the house a lot, going out for business, but when he had time on the weekends he would alway play football with them in the front yard. Which sounded fun. Yuzuru’s father had never played football with him. 

“I put your lesson schedule in your backpack, and lunch too.” Jenny said, breaking Yuzuru’s numbness “I won’t be able to come pick you up, so please find the boys and go back with them, okay?”

“They end an hour earlier than him, though.” Javi chimed in, looking definitely more awake than a few minutes earlier “I will wait up for him.”

“That would be lovely.” Jenny smiled with relief, but then her expression turned stern “But straight home after, you hear me?”

“Of course.” Javi grinned, a mischievous glint in his eyes “Okay, Yuzu, you finish your breakfast, I’m just going to go grab my books. Can’t wait to catch up!” 

“Huh.” Jenny hummed, looking at Yuzuru with thoughtful expression “That was- Linc, baby, no, we’re not spilling juice!” she exclaimed, attempting to tame Lincoln’s wiggling limbs, and Yuzuru looked away, blinking quickly and pretending that he wasn’t about to cry, 

From all the people in the house, Yuzuru liked Jenny the most. And then, probably Javi. He decided that during their walk to school, when Javi decided to keep on having a conversation with Yuzuru’s silence, but not pushing him too say anything back. He was kind of funny, and had a nice voice, and sometimes Yuzuru felt that his bad jokes could make him smile, almost. Maybe one day, in the future. He wondered why Javi was there, where were his parents and family, and where he had that slight accent from. 

But Yuzuru didn’t ask, because then it would mean giving Javi the same right, and Yuzuru wasn’t ready to talk about it. Not yet.

The walk wasn’t long, and Yuzuru used that to look around a little, trying to remember new sights and places. The town seemed so much smaller from the city he had used to live in, calmer, greener, and at one of the crossroads he spotted a sign showing a way to the lake, which made him feel just a little bit excited. Maybe one day he could ask Javi to show him around? That would be nice, maybe, he would rather spend time with him than with Liam and Anthony, who still looked at him with a bit of scepticism. 

The school building seemed plain and boring, with brick walls and white windows, and Yuzuru felt a bit nauseous when they stepped inside, corridors buzzing with chats and laughter, and all he wanted to do was to turn around and run, but then he felt a warm hand on his shoulder as Javi pushed him forward gently. 

“I will show you your classroom, okay? Just let me look at your schedule-”

As they made their way through the crowd, Yuzuru couldn’t help but notice that Javi seemed to know half of the school, people smiling at him and trying to engage him in talks, but he waved them all off with a charming smile, leading Yuzuru through the labyrinth of corridors.

“Okay, here.” he said, stopping in front of the door with number 32 “I know that teacher and he’s really nice, so- anyway, I will be waiting for you by the front door after classes. If-” he hesitated for a second “- I might be a tiny bit late, but if so, you just wait for me a few minutes, okay?”

“Okay.” Yuzuru whispered through his clenched throat, panic rising in his stomach, crushing in his chest.

“Hey.” Javi murmured gently, reaching to ruffle Yuzuru’s hair “You will be alright, kiddo?”

No, Yuzuru wasn’t going to be alright, probably never, but he just nodded blankly before turning around and entering the class, even though in that moment, he would prefer to jump into the coldest of lakes than to do that. 

The teacher looked only a bit surprised to see him, but when Yuzuru handed him a note Jenny had given him earlier, he brightened up with a wide smile. 

“Everyone, hello! Conversations time is over!” he clapped “We have a new student in here, his name’s Yuzuru and I hope you’re all show him how nice of a class you are, hmm?” the teacher teased and there were a few not enthusiastic sounds as well some hellos and wide smiles. 

Yuzuru was dreading that the teacher would ask him to say something about himself, but the man just patted his shoulder as he scanned the room, humming quietly.

“Okay, where to seat you, hmm- oh there, Jason please raise your hand so Yuzuru can join you.” 

Yuzuru looked up and saw a boy waving at him from one of the tables by the windows, his smile wide, and Yuzuru forced his feet to move, painfully aware of the fact that all the eyes were on him, following his every step with greedy curiosity so characteristic for a bunch of twelve years olds.

“Hi!” Jason said in a loud whisper as Yuzuru sat down, the teacher proceeding with reading something what was probably a list of attendance or something like that, but Yuzuru didn’t really care, too busy trying to keep himself together.

“Hello.” he mumbled, sitting down and taking stuff out of his backpack, trying to be as quiet as possible. 

“It’s really nice to meet you!” Jason continued excitedly and Yuzuru nodded stiffly, glancing at him briefly and registering more of that wide smile, and he noticed that Jason had his hair tied in a ponytail, which was kind of an unusual hairstyle and it kicked Yuzuru out of his numbness. 

“You too. Nice to meet you.” Yuzuru forced himself to say, his tongue feeling stiff, and Jason brightened up even more.

“We’re going to be best friends.” he announced, eyes shining “I can already tell.”

Yuzuru was sitting on the stairs leading to the front entrance, and waited. 

Javi was only two minutes late so far, so Yuzuru decided not to panic too much yet, and instead he catalogued all the events from the day. 

All of the teachers were nice, but Yuzuru couldn’t really say the same about his classmates. Some of them were nice, coming to Yuzuru in breaks and introducing themselves, but some of them chose to joke about ‘a new kid’. Yuzuru tried not to listen to that, and luckily Jason wasn’t really leaving his side, scoffing at everyone who was being unpleasant. 

Jason was nice, Yuzuru decided. He still didn’t know if they would be best friends, but it was a good feeling, to have someone smiling around, even though Jason wasn’t really as understanding as Javi and was trying to rope Yuzuru into an active conversation. But beside that, it was… not terrible.

“I’m sorry I’m late, I’m sorry!” 

Yuzuru blinked quickly and looked up to see Javi approaching him, a sheepish smile on his face and his hair sticking into all directions. 

“Sorry, I hope you didn’t wait for long?”

“A few minutes.” Yuzuru said, standing up and looking at Javi curiously, not able to help himself “You weren’t at school?”

“Huh?”

“You came from there, not inside.” Yuzuru waved, and Javi stared at him for a moment before sighing deeply.

“I, hm, I had something to do outside of school.” 

“Okay.” Yuzuru said slowly, glancing at Javi whose expression was a little bit conflicted, and for the first time in forever he felt some kind of excitement. He always liked riddles and questions, solving puzzles and reading about mysteries, and that small thing, Javi’s uncertain expression and whatever secret he was holding- it made Yuzuru’s heart go faster, just for a moment. 

It was probably something stupid, like, he had been probably hanging out with his girlfriend and lost track of time. That seemed very plausible, Javi was good- looking and funny, he probably had a girlfriend, and currently he was glancing at Yuzuru with maybe just a hint of worry in his eyes. 

“Are you okay? You sure you’re not mad at me?”

“No. I’m not mad. Just, long day.” Yuzuru explained and Javi nodded, smiling a bit wider, seeming genuinely happy that Yuzuru was speaking more than before.

“Yeah? Made some friends?”

“Mh, there is one nice boy. Jason.”

“Cool.” Javi nodded again before his face turned a bit serious again “By the way, if you have any trouble, you tell me, okay?”

“What?” Yuzuru asked, confused, and Javi sighed quietly.

“Just, if someone is mean to you, you can tell me, you know? I’m very persuasive.” he chuckled humorlessly “I know how it feels, last year I was the new kid in here and well- you know what I mean.”

That seemed a bit unbelievable, that Javi had had troubles with people not liking him, but Yuzuru didn’t comment that, only nodded silently. 

He was getting tired again, his leg hurting a little, and he slowed down, Javi immediately falling into the same rhythm with no comment.

“The days are getting colder.” he noted easily, as if sensing Yuzuru wasn’t in a mood for conversations again “But it’s gonna be so pretty when the leaves turn colorful, maybe we could go for walk by the lake someday. There is that little place that sells best hot chocolate.”

“That sounds nice.” Yuzuru muttered, and then, before he could stop himself “You’re very nice, Javi.”

“Well, that’s just me.” Javi chuckled, sounding happy and relaxed, but when Yuzuru glanced at him, he saw a slight frown on his face, a little twist of his mouth, and he wondered what story was hiding in his eyes, now dimmed with memories Yuzuru didn’t dare to ask about.

* * *

Yuzuru sniffled quietly, burying his face in the stiff fur of his teddy bear, biting on the fabric so no sound would escape his mouth. He was feeling sick, his stomach hurting, his head heavy, cheeks hot and covered in tears. It was late and the house was quiet, and Yuzuru didn’t want to wake anyone up with his crying, that was why he was sitting in the kitchen, curled on a chair and wishing he could disappear. It was so hard, and it hurt so much, and in some moments, like now, it was so painfully clear that he would never see his family again, he thought that dying would be better than that. Living under that strange roof, with people that still weren’t familiar. Jenny and Michael were nice and kind when they had sat with Yuzuru a few days before and gently explained him what the place was, exactly, and what the rules were, and what could maybe happen, and Yuzuru felt like screaming and crying and kicking, because it was all too much, and he didn’t want to think about any of that. 

He wanted to sleep. He wanted to forget. 

* * *

“Stupid orphan.” someone hissed and before Yuzuru could ever react, Jason slammed the door of his locker and turned to face the bully, his eyes burning with rage.

“Shut up, Anderson!” he yelled “No one wants to hear ugly words coming out from your ugly mouth.”

“It’s okay.” Yuzuru mumbled, tugging on Jason’s sleeve and making him back off.

“He’s so dumb, I swear.” Jason said as they walked away towards the cafeteria “You okay?”

“Yeah.”

It was something Yuzuru had gotten used to during the past three weeks at school, that some guys couldn’t find anything better to do than trying to provoke him with some nasty words. Yuzuru didn’t really care about them, but Jason did, ready to jump into Yuzuru’s defence in a heartbeat.

And Yuzuru appreciated it, a lot. He liked Jason more and more with every day, and he was probably the only person at school Yuzuru felt comfortable around. Well, if not counting Javi, but Javi was living with him and walking him to and from school everyday, and him and Jason couldn’t really fall into the same category. 

“Thank you.” Yuzuru said quietly as they sat down with their lunches in the cafeteria “For-”

“Oh don’t worry, I’m here for you.” Jason said, smiling at him before frowning a little “I just hope he will leave you alone.”

“He will get bored of that. I’m sure.”


	5. Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my favourite story to work on right now and I hope you will enjoy it too!

“Welcome.” the waiter’s smile is broad and friendly “Table for two?”

“Yes please.” Cortney smiles back, all charming and relaxed as always, and Javi has to bite down the chuckle, because he can tell that the young guy is already smitten, basically. And Javi can’t blame him, because when he met Cortney he was also so charmed by her bright attitude and lovely laugh, and even now, when their relationship is over, he still feels warm and safe in her company, more comfortable than with any of his exes.

“We have a lovely table next to the fireplace free-”

“We would take something closer to the window, if possible.” Cortney says, sending Javi a short glance and he nods silently, only clearing his throat discreetly as the waiter shows them the way.

“So, how are you, Javi?” Cortney asks when the place their orders and get their drinks “How’s work?”

“We got some really big deal signed. It’s… huge. Really a great chance for us.”

“Cool! That’s so great, you’ve been working so hard-”

They fall into an easy conversation, and Javi enjoys it, the way he is able to relax, talk about sweet nonsense and get his mind off of certain things and certain people. He is truly happy, that they are keeping in touch, that they are able to talk normally, not letting their ended relationship to destroy the friendship they always had. And Javi can't let himself to lose more people than he already has.

They eat, and order two more glasses of wine, and Cortney looks at him with her head tilted a little, like everytime she can tell he is hiding something.

"Now, what is happening in that troubled head of yours?"

Her tone is light, but Javi knows that she truly cares, and that she won't let him get away without making sure he is okay. He used to think that she was too good for him, full of light and joy he couldn't really appreciate, not how she deserved to. She was patient, and kind, touching his hair soothingly when he was waking up screaming in the middle of the night, taking him for walks or to see a movie when his mind was getting too small for all his thoughts. He was never angry at her for leaving- she helped him enough, and now he is happy that she is the same bright person he fell in love with, even if it was for just a little bit of time.

"Are you okay?" she asks, a hint of worry creeping into her voice, and Javi feels bad for drifting away for a moment and leaving her hanging like that.

"Sorry. Yeah, I'm fine. Just-" he swallows with difficulty, his throat clenching "I saw Yuzuru. My... a boy I used to live with, before." he adds, just in case Cortney doesn't remember his name, but her eyes widen and face pales in an instant, and Javi flinches, surprised.

"I remember." she says stiffly, but then she sighs and her shoulders drop, and she smiles again, gentler than before "How did it go?"

"I-" Javi hesitates, his chest feeling tight, and he wraps his fingers around his glass, just to have something to ground him "I think I lost him again."

I feels almost overdramatic, saying something like that. But it also feels real, because it is, however pathetic it sounds, and Cortney expression softens even more.

"Oh Javi." she sighs, reaching to touch his hand, warm and familiar "I- I know how much he meant to you. And I'm sorry that you're-" she clearly doesn't know what to say, but Javi gets it, he knows that there is no right things to say.

"It's okay." he mutters, feeling a little embarrassed for some reason "I just- it's been a little bit crazy, lately."

It's not exactly what he wanted to say, but Cortney nods, squeezing his fingers.

"I know that this is... it's important, what happened, and- and him. So please, just... do whatever you need. I hate seeing you like that."

Javi smiles, his problems not really closer to being solved, but there is something so calming in knowing that she cares, that someones understands and really cares.

She smiles back, kind and knowing, and changes the topic.

* * *

When he walks into the office the next day, he's only a little bit late, and Matteo smiles at him broadly from behind his desk.

"Good morning!" he chirps, happy like a bird "Tea? Coffee? A hug?"

"All of the above." Javi chuckles, stopping and leaning against the table "Can you enlighten me if I have some very responsible things to do today?"

"Mhh, as if you don't remember." Matteo rolls his eyes, and Javi smiles. Everyone knows that Javi likes to oversleep from time to time, and that he sometimes puts on his goofy mask of someone totally irresponsible, but Matteo is one of the few people that know him for real, who know that when he commits to something, he will do everything to fulfill his obligations.

"You know perfectly well that you have a meeting at 2pm, with that guy who wants his own Windsor castle." Matteo snorts, tilting his head a little to send Javi a searching look "So, what is the real question?"

"Well-" Javi trails off for a moment "I wanted to ask you to check one phone number for me."

Matteo smiles, expression softening, and he makes a few fast clicks before writing something down on a post it note and handing it to Javi.

"Patrick is in the office, so you can make the call in here, I have a sudden craving to listen to Boney M." Matteo announces, opening one of the drawers and taking his earphones out.

Javi shakes his head, feeling his heart clench with fondness. Matteo always knows what to say and how to act, knowing Javi so well and for so long.

He looks down at the piece of paper, numbers written in Matteo's neat handwriting, and he takes a few deep breaths. He has been thinking about it during long hours of the night, when sleep didn't want to come. Javi knows what he wants to say, but he still hesitates, a bile forming in his throat, unpleasant and suffocating. He coughs quietly before dialing the number, and maybe his throat isn't blocked anymore, but his stomach for sure feels like filled with something cold and heavy, almost making him physically sick.

"Hello." he says when the polite sounding lady asks him about his inquiry "My name is Javier Fernandez and I would like to speak with Yuzuru Hanyu, if that's possible?"

"Oh, I'm sorry." she answers without missing a beat, and Javi can't help but wonder if she's being honest or not "He's not in his office at the moment, but I can transfer you to his voicemail."

"That would be lovely, thank you." Javi says, figuring that her kind voice deserves a nice response.

"Please hold for a moment."

Javi takes a deep breath, taking a few steps towards to door, biting his lip nervously. Is he really going to do it? Or maybe he should just hang up and give up.

_Please leave your message after the tone._

"Hi Yuzu." he breathes out before he can think about it, feeling pressure of time setting on his shoulders "I, um, it's Javi here. I just- I want... I know it's crazy, what is happening, but I just want to- I thought we could tal-"

_Your message has been recorded. If you want to delete it, press one. If you want to record again, press-_

Javi groans and ends the connection, bringing his hand to rub his forehead. He can feel the headache coming again, and he thinks absently that maybe he should finally go and see a doctor and find out if maybe there is something he could do about it.

"All good?" Matteo asks, earphones hanging around his neck, and Javi shrugs.

"As expected." he sighs "Okay, I'm getting to work- thank you."

"Sure."

"Oh look who's finally here!" Patrick exclaims when Javi enters their little office "Slept good?"

"Like shit." Javi says simply, dropping down on his chair, and Patrick's expression shifts from mocking to concerned.

"Hey, if you're feeling bad-"

"It's okay, I just need a coffee or two."

He can feel Patrick's eyes on him, but he doesn't meet his gaze, deciding on focus on his tasks. Patrick is his long-time friend, but he doesn't know everything, and Javi isn't sure if he wants to share all the details of his past. He is certain that he won't bring up his history with Yuzuru, because in the current situation it would only make everything more complicated. But sometimes he feels a bit unfair, because Patrick, despite his biting tongue and certain nature, is one of the reasons Javi's life has some decent shape now.

He shakes his head and tries to focus, opening a file with one of the projects he is currently working on, a Windsor- like mansion that makes Javi wince, but what client wants, client will get. He loves it, his job, working on projects and creating places people could live and work in. Maybe some of the buildings he works on aren't exactly his taste, but in the end who he is to judge what people like? If he can give them happiness and a place to enjoy, he is more than glad to do so.

And now, with his head too full and chest too tight, he decides to do what he always does when he feels like the world is too much- he dives into work, hoping that maybe there he will be able to find a little bit of an absolution.

* * *

"Javi? Hey?"

Javi raises his head, blinking rapidly to chase the tiredness away.

"Hey, Patrick, what's up?"

"It's after six." Patrick says slowly, his gaze carrying some slight concern "Even Matteo left already, and I had that conference call that just ended, and what the hell are you doing here?

"Oh-"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah." Javi nods, smiling, but judging by Patrick's expression, he isn't too convincing "I lost track of time."

It was his reality, for the past few days. He wakes up with his head heavy and muscles aching, goes to the office, works until his eyes are closing and he almost falls asleep with his head on his desk. It's not good, Javi knows it, but it's better than constantly thinking about his life right now, or that pathetic voicemail he left.

"I'm good, really good invested in this thing." he says, gesturing at the sheet spread in front of him, and Patrick nods slowly.

"I worry about you, man, you look like a ghost lately. Is it Shimada's project that stresses you out so much, there is no reason-"

"I'm good." Javi cuts him off shortly, gathering his things quickly and feeling guilty for the rude sound of his voice, but Patrick rolls his eyes, not impressed and not affected at all.

"Sure you are." he snorts "But I think you could use some distraction, take care of yourself a bit? I'm going to a swimming pool now and then to grab some food, maybe you wanna join me and wipe the grumpiness away?"

"You know I don't swim." Javi mutters, his throat clenching, and Patrick sighs.

"You weirdo." he says gently, patting Javi's shoulder "Take a day off tomorrow or me and Matteo will kick you out. Get your pretty head to a better place."

He leaves and Javi leans back in his chair, swallowing down the bitter taste of shame, because he knows he's behaving oddly, than he's far from being a good friend and colleague. Maybe- probably- Patrick is right, and Javi should take a free day or two. He could sit at home, maybe do some cooking, try to sleep and get his shit together. It's honestly pathetic, as if he was determined to keep on feeling miserable, and he has to get up again and act like a normal human being.

He packs his backpack, closes the office and takes stairs down, wondering if he should stop by a grocery store and buy some nice ingredients so he could treat himself with some nice dinner. But when he exits the building he flinches, his lips twisting in a slight grimace as he walks straight into a drizzle, little annoying drops hitting his face. He sighs and looks at his phone, checking the time, when he hears nearing footsteps and his heart contracts sharply, as if it knows already.

"Hi."

This time Yuzuru isn't holding an umbrella, but he is still dressed elegantly, in nice pants and expensive-looking coat, but Javi barely registers that, too focused on Yuzuru's face, tired and pale. His expression is so much different than before, the harsh look in his eyes gone, replaced by something Javi identifies as anxiety, and it makes his chest hurt, just a little bit.

"Hi." he croaks, his voice rough "I- hi?"

"You called." Yuzuru mutters, clearing his throat, and Javi still can't get over the change, comparing to their last painfully awkward encounter "I thought we could-" he stops, takes a deep breath and looks at Javi with some desperate hope that makes Javi feel like something inside his is about to fall apart.

"So-" he tries, his voice sounding like a wet chuckle "You still hate coconut ice cream?"

Yuzuru's expression shifts as he laughs, ugly, pained sound of someone who still didn't come to terms with his past.

"I never tried them again." he whispers, taking a small step forward, and Javi's body moves on it's own, his hand coming to Yuzuru's nape, pulling him closer, his mind turning hazy.

Yuzuru tenses for a moment, but then he surges forward, pressing his forehead to Javi's shoulder. It feels unreal, like a dream, and Javi closes his eyes, feeling rain on his face and Yuzuru's trembling shoulders under his palm. It feels like all the years back, when Yuzuru would cling to him in the middle of a night, crying quietly as Javi was trying to chase his nightmares away.

They're not kids anymore, and there is an abyss between them, twelve years apart and demons that still don't want to let go, biting into their skin and leaving marks in their souls. It's not easy, and it won't be easy, and Javi has no idea what the next days and minutes will bring. But for now, he cradles Yuzuru's head closer and tries to pretend that they're both children again.


	6. Then

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please mind the tags!

"Oh, look! The crybaby is here!"

"Yeah, we heard from Liam that you're acting like a little bitch at nights-"

Yuzuru bit his lower lip and looked down, wondering if he should get up and leave, but he knew they would follow him. Besides, Javi should be there soon, and Yuzuru hoped that the bullies would step back, especially since Liam was among them, clearly delighted to be the one to deliver things the others could laugh abou.

"I swear, he wakes up and everytime whines like a baby, I bet he wets his bed too!"

"Haha that's disgusting!" the biggest of the boys- Thomas? Yuzuru wasn't sure- stepped closer "What, you can't speak English too?"

Yuzuru kept on staring at his shoes, feeling numbness taking control over his body, determined to just get through it, it wasn't the first time they were acting like that towards him. He just had to sit through it, unmoved, and then at home silently accept Liam acting as if nothing had happened.

"What a loser." Thomas snorted and then laughed, as if he just heard the best joke "Let's see what he has there, hmm?" he hummed, reaching for Yuzuru's backpack, and that was the moment Yuzuru panicked.

"No, wait!" he screamed, but Thomas already snatched the bag that was previously resting next to Yuzuru, walking back and waving with it over his head.

"Give it back!"

"Oh see, he can speak!" Thomas laughed "You have some gold stored in there or what?" he asked before swiftly throwing the backpack to some boy Yuzuru didn't know "Catch!"

"Give it back, it's mine!"

"Nothing is yours, you're an orphan, right? Brad, let's check what's inside!"

"No!" Yuzuru almost cried, trying to run and try to get his things back, but in the rush he put his foot down the wrong way and he yelped when a bolt of pain ran up his leg, making him fall on his hands and knees. The other boys didn't seem to care at all, too busy throwing everything to the ground and laughing loudly when among books they found that old teddy bear Tracy had given him in a hospital.

"Ah, he sleeps with it every night!" Liam said, laughing, and Thomas snorted.

"With this old disgusting thing? It stinks so bad." he said, shaking the toy violently until the inveitable happened and weak stitches bursted, leaving the teddy's head in the boy's hand while the rest fell to the ground, old fabric basically falling apart.

"No." Yuzuru whimpered, feeling tears gathering in his eyes, looking down at the grass while the boys laughed as if they were witnessing the highest form of entertainment. There was a part of Yuzuru that wanted to scream and try to get up, to fight them, but he just stayed as he was, with his head bowed, eyes filling with tears and his limb feeling weaker and weaker. He couldn't almost hear them anymore, too focused on the burning pain in his leg, the pressure in his chest, his throat clenching and making it so terribly hard to breathe.

"Hey, what the fuck are you doing, you little assholes?"

Yuzuru was barely registering what was happening, but he heard the boys yelling something running away, and he didn't even had enough energy too look at them, feeling too crushed and miserable and alone.

But he wasn't alone.

"Hey."

He felt a gentle hand touching his chin and he looked up with his tear-filled eyes to see Javi's concerned face.

"Yuzu, you hear me? Are you okay? Did they do something to you?"

Javi was kneeling next to him, his expression anxious, and Yuzuru opened his mouth to say that he wasn't hurt, but it wasn't what happened. Instead, he stopped restraining himself, and just surged forward, throwing himself into Javi's arms and letting himself cry, loud and with no thinking.

"Shh, shhh." Javi muttered, wrapping his arms around Yuzuru, pulling him even closer "I'm so sorry, I should have been here earlier-"

Yuzuru was barely listening to him, too busy clinging to his shirt and sobbing, finally crying out everything what was gathering inside him for some time now. The atmosphere at the house was okay, but since Anthony's dad had appeared to take him back, Liam's behaviour got worse. He clearly missed his closest friend, but he was showing that in the ugliest way, treating Yuzuru like crap when no one was watching. And Yuzuru never told anyone. What was the point? Maybe he deserved that.

He had almost told Javi, a few times. Because they were spending so much time together, walking to and from school, or during meals, going for grocery shopping to help Jenny with bags, or spending evenings on playing in the front yard during warmer days or watching tv with everyone.

Yuzuru knew that Javi was nice, and kind. But he still hadn't told him.

But now, face hidden against Javi's jacket, Yuzuru wasn't thinking about anything except the fact that he was tired and he wanted to go home, he wanted go to his real home, see his family and forget, forget and not feel so terrible.

He lost track of time, and grasp on reality, and he had no idea how much time passed till Javi gently detached himself from Yuzuru's grasp, taking his face in his hands and looking at him with soft concern shimmering in his eyes.

"It's okay. I've got you now, and they won't hurt you again, I promise. Promise, okay?"

Yuzuru sniffled, nodding slowly, more tears running down his cheeks and Javi wiped them gently before moving his hands to take Yuzuru's.

"Can you stand up?"

Yuzuru nodded again, but when he tried, Javi gently pulling him up, his ankle and calf screamed with pain and he dropped to the ground, about to cry again.

"Are you hurt? Should I-"

"It's, it's old thing. It's okay." Yuzuru whispered, fingers curling on the grass as he looked down, wishing for the ground to swallow him so he would stop feeling so terribly miserable. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Javi silently collecting his stuff scattered on the ground, hesitating before putting what remained from the teddy bear inside the backpack too.

"Take it, okay?" he asked softly, and Yuzuru wanted to argue, he didn't want to move and go anywhere, but he put it on, watching numbly how Javi took his own backpack off only to put it on his front.

"Try to stand up, just for a second, I will carry you on my back, alright?"

Yuzuru wanted to protest again, but Javi was looking at him with so much care Yuzuru didn't want to upset him when he was trying his best to help. So Yuzuru forced his body up and a few moments later he was plastered against Javi's back, hiding his face against his nape and fighting tears again.

"Here we go. Hold tight, okay?"

Javi's steps were slow and sure, and Yuzuru closed his eyes, feeling somewhat close to safe now, being carried by Javi, and he wished they didn't have to go home right away, because he didn't want to go there, see Liam's acting like all was fine and lying to Jenny that nothing was wrong.

"You know, I was thinking." Javi announced suddenly, as if he could read Yuzuru's thoughts "You want to stop by the lake? I know it's kinda cold, but it's still pretty around with all the leaves and stuff."

"Isn't it too far?" Yuzuru murmured, feeling a little groggy, and Javi chuckled, carefully rearranging his grip on Yuzuru's legs.

"Nah, it's okay! I'm super strong, don't you know?"

Yuzuru didn't say anything to that, and Javi clearly took it as a sign of approval, because on the next crossroad he turned right.

The lake was a nice place. It wasn't very big, but there was a nice little beach with volleyball net and a little rental place with pedal boats and kayaks, now closed. It had to be a busy place in the summer, with people from the town filling the space, swimming and having fun, but now it was pretty empty, if not counting one elderly man feeding the ducks.

"Okay, careful, here." Javi hummed, gently sitting Yuzuru down on one of the benches close to the water "Good? Leg okay?"

"Mhhh." Yuzuru muttered, rubbing his knee, and Javi smiled, sitting down next to him and then almost jumping up, touching his pocket.

"I will be back in a second, okay. Don't worry, I'm just going there." he said, pointing at the line of buildings maybe 300 metres away. Yuzuru looked after him for a moment before turning to look at the water again. It was indeed pretty, like Javi had said. On the other side of the lake there was a forest and Yuzuru wondered if maybe he should run away there, because that seemed like a very tempting alternative.

Would anyone look for him, if he did that?

Jenny and Michael were nice, but Yuzuru was only a part of their job, right? They were taking care of him, but did they really care? Yuzuru wasn't sure.

"Ta-daaam!" Yuzuru flinched, startled, and turned rapidly to see Javi standing in front of him, a take away cup in one hand and a ice cream in a cone in another "Ice cream is the best for cheering up, but I wasn't sure if it's not too cold for you, so I have hot chocolate also. So, which one, hmm?"

Yuzuru blinked slowly, not really following at first, but then he silently reached his for the ice cream.

"Great!" Javi smiled, sitting down, and Yuzuru inspected the cone in his hand before licking the scoop on top and wincing.

"Oh, not great?" Javi asked, and Yuzuru felt a little guilty for his reaction, but when he looked at Javi, he didn't seem offended at all "They had really poor choice there, only coconut and chocolate. Wanna switch?"

Yuzuru nodded and after a second he took a sip of the warm drink, that thankfully tasted really good, and it was nice, to feel that hot sweetness warming him up from inside.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, watching the ducks that were staring right back at them expectantly, clearly hoping for some treats. It would be nice to be like them, Yuzuru thought, to have wings and just leave whenever he would like to.

"I was born in Spain." Javi said suddenly and Yuzuru looked at him, surprised. They hadn't talked about their lives  _ before,  _ but apparently now Javi felt like sharing something and Yuzuru couldn't help but feel curious, his thoughts climbing up from that dark pit he was huddled in for the past minutes.

"We came here a few years ago. We didn't really have anyone there and my parents decided it was a good option. They always wanted the best for us." Javi's voice cracked a little at the end, and Yuzuru moved a little closer, almost unconsciously.

Javi fell silent for a second, and Yuzuru could feel it, that deep sadness radiating from him, such a contrast to his usually sunny expression.

"It was two years ago. Carbon dioxide poisoning. You know what that is? Yeah...I was on a sleepover at my friend's and my... my sister found them. It was a few weeks before her eighteenth birthday. She... she wanted to be my legal guardian but the judge didn't agree, I still don't know why. My parents' friends tried to get a custody too, but they're immigrants like us and don't have citizenship yet and... I'm here." Javi chuckled, the sound strained and rough "Laura, my sister, she visits me from time to time when she can. She should visit next weekend, actually, maybe you could meet her-" his voice cracked again, and Yuzuru noticed how his eyes shone, and he felt like something in his heart cracked a little at the sight.

He didn't know what to say, and he wasn't sure if he would be able to, so he did the only thing he could think about- he wrapped his arms around Javi and hugged him the best he could.

Javi sighed deeply, wrapping one arm around Yuzuru's back and keeping him close.

Yuzuru closed his eyes, feeling Javi's warmth seeping through their clothes, and after a moment he realized that his leg almost didn't hurt anymore, and that he didn't think about those bullies and Liam and his destroyed teddy bear. And for the first time in what felt like years, he was feeling truly safe.

"An accident." he muttered, making a decision "We were going back from vacation, and there was an accident. My leg got hurt really bad and it still hurts, sometimes."

That was everything he was able to say for now, and Javi didn't comment that and didn't ask for more- just sighed quietly, still keeping him close and shifting a little, resting his chin on the top of Yuzuru's head.

Jenny welcomed them with a grim expression and stern look in her eyes as she stood in the middle of the kitchen, hands folded on her chest.

"Three hours." she said, her tone disappointed "Javi, you can't do that, you have to be responsible-"

"I am." Javi said calmly, glancing at Yuzuru who was sitting on one of the chairs and munching on a lukewarm pasta.

"It doesn't look like that." Jenny said "You were supposed to take care of Yuzu and not drag him God knows where, leaving me worried that something terrible happened!"

"I'm sorry for that." Javi said, his voice sincere "But Jenny, I think-" he glanced at Yuzuru again "Liam's behaviour towards Yuzu is terrible, and today... I wanted to do something nice for him."

Jenny blinked, her expression changing from angry to worried.

"What happened? I know Liam is acting a bit off since Anthony... since he went back home, but I didn't see-"

"He's smart, that we know. But, I think- we've all been through things, and we can't justify his behaviour with that."

"I know." Jenny sighed, rubbing her face tiredly "I will talk to him."

"I was also thinking, that Yuzu shouldn't be staying in the same room with him."

"But where-"

"He could move to my room. I know there is not that much of space, but we would manage. Right, Yuzu?"

Yuzuru was too stunned to say anything, so he just stared at Javi who was smiling at him broadly, and after a moment of silence Jenny chuckled quietly, shaking her head.

"So, Yuzu? Would you like that?"

"Yes." Yuzuru whispered "Very much."

  
  


Javi's room was located in the attic and it was indeed pretty small, and Yuzuru liked it immediately. They had to move Yuzuru's bed there, which was a bit of a challenge in the narrow stairway. But now, after some struggling and carrying his stuff upstairs, Yuzuru was lying in his bed under a soft blue blanket, watching the sky dark sky through the roof light, still not really believing that him and Javi were roommates now and that he wouldn't hear Liam's nasty remarks coming from the darkness.

"Javi?" he whispered, half expecting the older boy to be asleep, but Javi shifted a little, bed cracking quietly as he let out a questioning hum.

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

"Of course." Javi chuckled sleepily, his voice barely audible "You're my person, Yuzu. We've got each other."

Yuzuru closed his eyes, his lips curling up a little, and for the first time in months he felt something akin to happiness blossoming inside his chest. 


	7. Now

Yuzuru’s hair is a mess, still wet and plastered to his temples, and Javi can’t stop looking at it. He’s hesitant to look in Yuzuru’s eyes, because a part of him is afraid he will see the previous distance in them, and Javi doesn’t think he can handle it again. So he settles his gaze on Yuzuru’s left ear while his hands wrap on the warm mug filled with tea, and he waits.

They're sitting in a coffee shop close to Javi's office building, a pleasant place with plaid tablecloths and a big choice of tea. It's not busy at this hour and over Yuzuru's shoulder Javi sees a bored waitress standing behind the counter and checking something on her phone. It's another one of rainy autumn evenings Javi got used to while living in Toronto, but now, his fingers are shaking for a different reason than just cold.

The silence stretches as they're both afraid to look each other in the eyes, to speak first, as if that could break the fragile balance they managed to set between each other. And if Javi has to be completely honest with himself, he has no idea where can they go from now on. He can't really think of that man sitting in front of him as a stranger, even though he hasn't seen him for the past twelve years, but he can't pretend as if nothing happened. They can't go back to the past, but maybe they can try to build something new, so Javi takes a sharp breath and tries.

"Is your tea good?"

Yuzuru flinches and raises his head, eyes darting to Javi's before focusing on his right temple, choosing the same strategy as Javi just to avoid longer eye contact.

"It's nice."

"Mine too." Javi says and cringes internally at how awkward it sounds, but somehow that little exchange seems to give Yuzuru some confidence.

"How's Laura?" he asks bravely and Javi's heart stutters before he sends Yuzuru a small, gentle smile.

"She's doing great. She's in New Scotland with her husband, he's a great guy, and they have two awesome kids, I love them."

"That's nice." Yuzuru nods, something akin to relief painting on his face "You must miss her a lot." he adds, his expression dimming and morphing into regret, and Javi can't stand it, so he desperately tries to change the topic, saying the first thing he can think of.

"You have a brother, yes?"

Yuzuru draws in a sharp breath and Javi wants to smack himself, but Yuzuru collects himself quickly and nods.

"Koshiro. He's my little brother." he says quietly, his lips curling up in a warm smile, a first honest smile Javi has seen on him since they met again "He's... he brought a lot of light to my life."

"That's good. That's what-" Javi bites his tongue before finishing, but Yuzuru seems to understand, because he blinks quickly, and then finally looks Javi in the eyes, his gaze full of sorrow.

Javi wants to tell him that it wasn't his fault, what happened so long ago, but he knows that Yuzuru has spent over a decade feeling guilty about what happened, and no matter how much Javi wishes that feeling gone, he doesn't think he has this power.

It dawns on him again, how much distance is between them now, and how much different they are from the boys who shared a room in the attic and were swimming in a lake during hot summer days. Now Javi lets himself to examine Yuzuru's face, with sharper cheekbones and well-defined lips, and a part of him misses the innocent roundness of his cheeks and hair falling into his eyes. He misses Yuzu, his friend, his family, someone he loved with his whole heart.

"Are you going to stay?" he blurts out and Yuzuru swallows hard before letting out long, shaky breath.

"Do you want me to?"

"I- I want to... know you. I want to know what happened to you during all the years, I want to know if you got better at chemistry with time and if you learned to eat tomatoes. I just... I don't know." Javi laughs roughly, feeling tears gathering in his eyes, and he tries to blink them away, and when one drop escapes he wipes it with the back of his hand.

Yuzuru looks like he's about to cry too, his nose scrunching in the way Javi remembers so well, and all he wants to do is to reach out and smooth that worried line forming on Yuzuru's forehead. But he doesn't do that, because except of that hug from an hour before they have barely touched, and Javi isn't sure when or if would they feel so comfortable around each other again.

Yuzuru sighs, quiet and tired, and looks at Javi with his dark, shining eyes.

"You don't hate me." he whispers, with just a hint of disbelief, and Javi shakes his head, unable to to speak. Yuzuru nods slowly and looks down at is cup, biting on his lower lip before lifting his eyes to Javi's again.

"I think I will stay in Toronto for a while. For business. So maybe we could-"

He doesn't finish, but Javi nods quickly, before Yuzuru can change his mind.

"It will be nice, to catch up."

Yuzuru stares at him for a long moment before giving Javi a half smile and standing up slowly.

"I need to go, but-" he takes out his phone and waves with it awkwardly "Yeah?"

"Okay." Javi smiles back, and Yuzuru nods at him, and hesitates for a moment, looking as if he wants to say something more, but then leaves, steps big and rushed.

Javi exhales deeply before finishing his tea and standing up as well, and his legs feel a bit weak, his heart a little off beat. It's dark outside, cold and still raining, and Javi doesn't want to go home. He doesn't want to back to the empty apartment, where there's only Effie curled on one of the kitchen chairs, but Javi needs human company, and someone who will understand.

So, there's only one option.

He appears on Matteo's doorstep with boxes of Chinese take out, and is greeted with a wide smile and hands reaching for the packages greedily.

"You have timing, parents left for a wedding to Kingston and will be back… well, I guess not before tomorrow's afternoon. Come, come."

Javi knows this place like his own, and for some time in the past he hoped it would become his home too. But the judge didn't agree and sent Javi almost two hundred kilometers away, and Javi still doesn't know what that man was thinking, making him live so far from all the places and people he knew. But there's no point in dwelling on it now; Javi came here to sit in a nice company and eat his spicy noodles, and not to let his thoughts wander to these dark places he hates so much.

"So, Patrick messaged me like an hour ago and ordered not to let you in the office tomorrow." Matteo informs him ten minutes later, when they're sitting on the floor in his room, backs resting against the bed.

"Mhh."

"That's a very articulate comment." Matteo snorts, and then puts his box away and turns to look at Javi properly "What's going on?"

"Yuzuru came back." Javi says, looking down at his food and suddenly not feeling hungry anymore, so he puts it away as well and leans back, closing his eyes "He'll stay here for a while."

"For you?"

"I think so."

"And how are you feeling about it?" Matteo asks gently and Javi winces, opening his eyes and sitting properly, so he can look back at his friend.

"I want to get to know him, again." he admits quietly "But I don't know if he's going to let me."

Matteo nods, humming with understanding, and once again Javi is so grateful for that friendship that started when they both were kids and survived all the years and distance. He's one of the very few people who know the whole story, and that's why it's so important, that Javi doesn't have to pretend or make up excuses for why he's never going on camping trips despite loving to hike, and why he never changes clothes when someone else is in the room.

Javi's past is full of all kinds of pain, and he knows that it will stay with him for his whole life, no matter how much he tries. And Yuzuru... he's a part of a reason Javi's life wasn't- isn't- perfect, but he's also why he survived all those years after his parents died, when his life seemed pointless and unbearable and he was trying to put all his energy into pretending that he was fine, that he was able to keep going, hiding behind his smile.

And then he appeared, tiny and terrified, and Javi just had to take care of him, and his stupid life gained some purpose.

Those were good years, despite everything. And then it all burned into ashes. Just like that.

"Hey."

Javi gasps, and realizes he's been silent for a few minutes, probably, but Matteo doesn't seem to mind.

"You want to crash here? We can play xbox until we pass out." he offers and Javi has to laugh at that, shaking off the uneasy feeling that has been coiling inside him for the past few minutes.

"If you don't mind. Effie has enough food to survive without me till the morning."

"Great! I'll go fetch some snacks and something to drink and you can go clean up. Wait, I'll find you something to change into-"

It takes Matteo a moment to find a pair of sweatpants and a blue t-shirt, but he reassures Javi that they're fresh and that yes they will fit, why does Javi keep on forgetting they're basically the same height?

Javi is smiling when he walks into the bathroom, as familiar as the rest of the apartment, and steps into the shower. The water is a bit cold at first, but he doesn't mind, he likes to feel it warming up gradually until it's perfect and Javi sighs deeply, and closes his eyes.

He thinks about Yuzuru, his face, both foreign and familiar, and something stirs in his gut, a feeling Javi can't name and doesn't have energy to analyze.

Slowly, he raises his hand and presses is against his ribs, feeling rough, raised tissue, a constant reminder that some things aren't meant to be forgotten, no matter how much we try.

It would be easy, to let everything come back now, wash over him like water running down his body, but Javi doesn't let it happen. He takes a few deep breaths, collects himself and recalls what the hospital psychologist told him over a decade earlier.

_ You need to keep on living. You will never forget what happened, and you shouldn't, but you can't let it hold you back. Don't let the pain stop you, because if you do, it will mean you gave up. And you're not a quitter. _

He hated those words, back then, cheesy and not really helpful when his body was trembling in pain. But now, he can appreciate the easy honesty in them, something he can relate to still.

So he changes into the clothes that indeed fit very well, and goes back to Matteo's room to see him smiling smugly and handing Javi that 0,5 liter mug they sometimes drink tea from, but it's for sure filled with something else.

"What is it, you eighteenth birthday again?" Javi asks and Matteo snorts, rolling his eyes.

"No, it's 'I got paid so hooray, even though I don't earn enough'-"

"Okay, okay, I'm not listening!" Javi laughs, taking a sip "So, what are we playing?"

_ Keep on living. _

That's what he does.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys are enjoying reading the story as much as I like writing it! Take care everyone <3


	8. Then

Yuzuru woke up with a gasp, his heart thudding and throat itching with a scream he couldn’t let out. He desperately tried to catch his breath, tears prickling in the corners of his eyes. 

He wasn't having nightmares as often as before, since moving into Javi’s room, but the images in his mind were as vivid as before, fire and smoke and his cheek pressed to the ground as his body screamed with pain. 

He sniffled quietly, pressing his palm against his mouth to be quiet, but he could hear Javi turning, groaning quietly as he woke up.

“Hello?” Javi mumbled, warm and confused, sitting up, and Yuzuru didn’t think, just jumped out of the bed and ran towards Javi’s, throwing himself into Javi’s arms and letting a loud cry leave his mouth. 

“Hey, hey, shhh, it’s okay.” Javi whispered, wrapping one arm around Yuzuru’s back, the other hand carding through his hair “It was just a dream, you’re safe.”

Yuzuru knew that, but he still couldn’t stop the tears from falling, and he clinged to Javi’s t-shirt, vaguely realizing that he was making a mess, but Javi didn’t seem to care, holding him close and rocking them slowly as if Yuzuru was a little baby he wanted to put to sleep. He didn’t let go until Yuzuru’s cries died down and tears stopped flowing, and caressed his nape gently before looking at Yuzuru’s face, barely seeing each other on the dark room. 

“Bad dream?” he asked softly and Yuzuru sniffled before nodding, and Javi sighed, stroking Yuzuru’s cheek.

“I’m so sorry,  pequeño.” 

Yuzuru felt so safe in Javi’s embrace, the nightmares fading away, chased away by his warm touch. He felt tired, exhausted even, and he slumped against Javi again, nose pressed against his neck, and his eyes closed slowly, sleep making its way back to his body. 

Half awake, he felt Javi shifting and picking him up, and a moment later Yuzuru was in his own bed, barely managing to open his eyes for a second. 

“Don’t go.” he asked, blindly reaching out to grab Javi’s hand and failing, but Javi chuckled lowly, the mattress dipping when he sat down.

“Move a little.” 

Yuzuru did that, and then rolled to his side so he could hide his face in Javi’s shirt, soft and a little damp with his own tears. 

“Javi.” he mumbled sleepily, barely conscious but knowing that he had to say it “I couldn’t do it, without you.” 

"And I couldn't without you." Javi said, his breath fanning over the top of Yuzuru's head, and Yuzuru didn't really believe him. 

Javi was the strongest person he knew, because despite everything he had been through, he kept on smiling, and he took Yuzuru under his wings, wrapped him in the warm blanket of care. 

"I sometimes get bad dreams too." Javi whispered, his warm palm pressing between Yuzuru's shoulder blades "And I know it's good, to hug it out."

Yuzuru wanted to say something, but the sound leaving his mouth was an incoherent mumble, and he fell asleep a moment later, with Javi’s heartbeat filling his ears.

* * *

  
  


When Yuzuru opened his eyes, at first he didn’t know what woke him up. 

But then he turned his head a little and saw Javi rummaging through his drawers, looking for a shirt to wear. He was so into it he didn’t notice Yuzuru was awake, but to his credit, he was trying to be as quiet as possible. For a moment Yuzuru stayed silent, but then he glanced at the alarm clock and wondered sleepily why Javi was awake at 7.30am on a Sunday. 

“Why are you up?” he mumbled and Javi screeched quietly with surprise, spinning around and looking at Yuzuru, a green t-shirt clenched in his hands. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to wake you up.” he smiled apologetically, putting the shirt on “It’s Sunday!” he added brightly, and for a moment Yuzuru didn’t understand still, but then his memories came and he sat up, suddenly feeling more awake. 

“Is she here already?” he asked and Javi nodded, grinning. 

“I’ve heard Jenny opening the door for her, I’m just getting dressed and running.”

He was smiling so brightly, his eyes shining with love and anticipation, and Yuzuru had to smile too. 

“Okay, you can go back to sleep.” Javi said, zipping his hoodie up “Or maybe you’d like to come downstairs and meet her?”

“Can I?” Yuzuru gasped, and Javi nodded.

“Yeah, of course! Just, let me wrap you in something so you won’t get cold-” he opened one drawer again and took out a big jumper, tossing it to Yuzuru. 

It was big and warm, and he must have looked funny in it, because Javi let out a delighted laughter, ruffling his hair and telling him to hurry. 

It was clear that he couldn’t wait to see his sister, and Yuzuru was happy for him, even though it reminded him that something like that would never happen to him. When they walked into the kitchen he barely had a chance to look at Laura properly, because Javi jumped into her arms immediately, hiding his face against her shoulder and hugging her tightly. 

Jenny was watching them with a smile and then she noticed Yuzuru, and came closer to brush his hair. 

“I will make you breakfast.” she said softly and he nodded, looking at Javi and Laura again, lost in their own little world until they finally broke apart, and Yuzuru could see how much alike they looked like and how pretty Laura was, with her long hair and big eyes that seemed a bit tired after the long travel. She said something in Spanish, touching Javi’s cheek tenderly before moving her gaze to Yuzuru, a warm smile blossoming on her lips.

“And you must be Yuzu.” she said, and he nodded, giving her a shy smile. She came closer to shake his hand and then they all sat down for breakfast, Javi basically glued to Laura’s side, their shoulders bumping against each other and making it difficult to eat, but they clearly didn’t mind, too happy that they were together. 

“So, what are the plans for today?” Jenny asked, pouring everyone a cup of tea and smiling at Laura.

“Just to have a good day.” Laura smiled back “Eat some Mexican food and walk around, and maybe we would stop by some store, I think you could use some warm clothes, Javi-”

“I’m good.” Javi said quickly “I have everything, don’t worry.” 

Laura’s smile softened, leaning to rest her temple against Javi’s for a moment, and that small intimate gesture made Yuzuru’s stomach flip, and he looked down at his plate, feeling a little bit like an intruder. 

  
  


It felt weird, to spend his day without Javi. 

Since Yuzuru had moved to Javi’s room, they were basically inseparable. They walked to school and back, they did their homeworks together and spent their free time together. Javi had taught him to play solitaire and showed him some card tricks that Yuzuru failed to learn, and always had ideas what could they do. He was always there, with his warm smiles and warmer hugs, making Yuzuru feel safe and calm. 

It was cold, but at least it wasn’t raining, even though the clouds above Yuzuru’s head were grey and heavy. Yuzuru never liked fall too much, and now he could feel that special kind of melancholy seeping through his clothes and settling in his bones. He learned how to cope, mostly. His heart was still aching, constantly, but the pain wasn’t as crushing as at the beginning, when there had been no hope and no will to live left in him. 

Yuzuru still refused to accept that, what had happened and what his life turned into. But slowly, he was realizing that it wasn’t over, and no matter how much it hurt, he had to move forward. 

“Here!” 

Yuzuru blinked, raising his head, and he saw Vanessa standing right in front of him, a bunch of pretty leaves in her extended hand. 

“For you, to make your room prettier.”

“Thank you.” Yuzuru smiled, accepting the gift, and Vanessa sent him a toothy grin before running back to Sarah. They were both nice and friendly, but stayed mostly in each other’s company and Yuzuru didn’t have as strong bond with them as with Javi. Well, at that point Javi was the most important person in Yuzuru’s life. Jenny and Michael were kind and caring and Yuzuru liked them so much, but he also knew that he wasn’t first and last kid going through their house. Taking care of him and the rest was their job, and nothing could let Yuzuru forget about that. 

But at least, he was surrounded by good people. Even Liam calmed down, and managed to utter his apologies, eyes darting to the floor. Yuzuru pitied him, a little bit, because like all of them, he deserved better. But they could only try and fight for their lives, and refuse weight of the past swallow them down. 

Yuzuru started to feel cold, shivers running through his thin body, so he got up and went upstairs, arranging the leaves in an empty cup and then lying down on the bed, closing his eyes. He was wearing Javi’s jumper that was keeping him pleasantly warm, and Yuzuru exhaled deeply, feeling himself getting sleepy. 

He would swear he closed his eyes just for a second, but when he opened them again the room was much darker, the only source of light being a small desk lamp. 

"Hey there, sleepyhead." Javi grinned from his bed, some papers in his hands, probably doing some last minute homework he had forgotten about. 

"Mhh." Yuzuru mumbled, a bit groggy, and he sat up slowly "You're back."

"As you can see!" 

"You had a good day?" 

"The best." Javi sighed, happy and with a bit of melancholy "You had fun too?" 

"Not that much without you." Yuzuru admitted and Javi laughed shortly before hopping out of the bed. 

"Well then come, we will have some fun now." he announced, opening the roof window and climbing outside with confidence of a person who had done that countless times before “You’re coming?” 

Yuzuru gasped quietly, and then he was climbing out of the window right after Javi, quickly finding out that the roof wasn’t as steep as Yuzuru had been thinking. 

“Here, here, it’s safe.” Javi smiled, wrapping his arm around Yuzuru’s shoulder and pulling him close “Look.”

There wasn’t really that much to look at. The town wasn’t big, a few straight lines of streetlights, and a vast dark space on the right where the lake and forest were. Still, there was something mesmerizing in that view spreading in front of him, and something thrilling in sitting on the roof and letting the night flow in front of him.

“It’s getting too cold to do that, but when spring comes we can hang out here more.” 

It was cold indeed, and Yuzuru suspected the temperature could drop even below zero. He wondered when it would start snowing, and he tried not to think about Christmas, only a month and a few days away. 

Next to him, Javi inhaled deeply, and rubbed Yuzuru’s shoulder.

“Okay, that maybe wasn’t the best idea, you’re going to get pneumonia and Jenny will decapitate me. Back inside!”

Because of his previous nap Yuzuru wasn’t feeling too sleepy, but Javi, on the other hand, dropped on the bed and started snoring quietly in seconds. Yuzuru smiled a little and turn his night lamp on before reaching for his  _ Robinson Crusoe _ , and let himself drown in another world, just for a moment. 

* * *

  
  
  


It was a day just like any other one. 

Yuzuru got through his day, said bye to Jason as they parted next to the lockers, and then went outside, looking around even though he knew that Javi would be a little bit late. During the past few months Yuzuru had got used to that, even though it was never more than ten minutes. So he stood there, looking at the trees adorned with the fresh snow, and felt something close to contentment forming in his chest. 

It was cold, but the world looked pretty, and Yuzuru let out a deep breath, looking up at the sky. It was clouded and Yuzuru wondered if it would snow again, and he hoped it would. That would be nice birthday gift, he decided. A few days earlier Jenny had asked him if he would like to celebrate somehow, but he didn’t want to. He wouldn’t stand a cake and candles, not like that, without his family. Jenny accepted that but put a few extra cookies into his lunch box, a little gesture that made Yuzuru smile.

“I’m here, I’m here!” Javi exclaimed when he appeared five minutes later, cheeks flushed from the cold and eyes shining brightly “Sorry!”

“It’s okay.” Yuzuru smiled and Javi nodded, reaching to readjust his hat, so it was covering Yuzuru’s ears properly. 

“I think I owe you explanation for where I’m disappearing all the time. You’ve been putting up with me so well.”

“You don’t have to, if it’s a secret.” Yuzuru said, although he eyed Javi curiously. 

“It’s a secret, but I can share with you.” Javi said, winking “But please, don’t tell Jenny?”

“Of course.”

“Do you know that little grocery store near to the park? Two blocks away from school? Anyway, I’m helping mr Dajkovic when deliveries come, to unpack the car. He gives me some money so everyone is happy and Laura doesn’t have to worry about me.”

“Oh.” Yuzuru gasped, thinking that it made perfect sense “That’s nice.”

“Yeah, it is. Because now, I was able to buy something special.” Javi grinned mysteriously, stopping and reaching to his backpack. 

Yuzuru stopped as well, confused, and watched how Javi unzipped the bag and took out something yellow and red.

“Happy birthday!” he exclaimed “Now Pooh will be keeping you safe at nights.” 

Yuzuru blinked rapidly, utterly surprised, and then slowly reached for the toy. It was pretty and clean and soft, and Yuzuru’s heart clenched with all the emotions flooding over him suddenly. 

“I-” he started, but the words died in his throat, and he jumped forward, wrapping his arms around Javi.

“There you go.” Javi chuckled, rubbing Yuzuru’s back “I hope you like it.”

“I love it.” Yuzuru mumbled against Javi’s chest “I love you.” he added, the words flowing straight from his heart, honest and warm. He hadn’t thought about it before, but now he knew it was true. Javi was the most important person in his life, his anchor and protector, his best friend, and Yuzuru loved him with all the innocence of his childish yet already battered heart. 

“I love you too, little one.” Javi said, his voice fond, and then leaned down to press a kiss to Yuzuru’s cheek “Now let’s go home before we freeze some parts of, I’m sure we can convince Jenny to give us some hot chocolate later.”

Yuzuru nodded and smiled, and took Javi’s hand as they walked back home, and thought that maybe the future wasn’t so frightening, as long as he had Javi by his side. 


	9. Now

“Okay, Javi, I have your results in here.” doctor Schmidt says, glancing at the screen of her computer before giving Javi a pointed look “And I see we have some things to talk about.”

Javi winces, and looks down at his hands before looking at the woman again, bringing on his best apologetic smile. 

“Your iron levels aren’t impressing, Javi, among other things” she sighs, clicking quickly a few times before folding her hands on the desk and looking at him “How are you doing lately?”

“Well I can’t lie that I’ve been eating properly.” Javi tries to joke, but it only earns him an unimpressed glance that forces him to act a bit more serious “I’ve had a lot on my head lately.” 

“Something you want to talk about?”

“I-” Javi swallows hard “Just the past coming back. And I can’t really sleep very well.”

“Okay.” doctor Schmidt nods, frowning a little “I can prescript you sleeping pills, the same as before, if that’s what you need-”

“That would be great-”

“But also, I’d recommend you talking to a specialist.” doctor Schmidt says sternly, looking away for a moment to type something “And getting your diet under control, because at that rate you will end up with scurvy, and no, I’m not joking.” she says, noticing Javi’s half smile. 

“It’s just a little mishap, I’ve been doing pretty well beside that, I think.” he says and the doctor sighs a little, her expression softening.

“That’s good to hear, Javi, and I believe you. And I will give you the prescription for the meds you’re asking for. But if you come back for more, I will have to ask you to provide me an opinion from your psychologist. Are we clear?”

“Very clear.”

Javi has been expecting that, but he doesn’t think there will be a need for more visits. He went through his ups and downs during the past years, and it’s not like he’s ashamed to go to a psychologist, but he simply doesn’t think he can hear something new that could help him get past what is happening now. And to be honest, he isn’t even sure if he wants to talk about it, about the past, about that complicated tangle of emotions Yuzuru is awakening inside him. It’s like a tender, painful bruise in his heart, and Javi doesn’t want to poke it by saying it all out loud again and again. 

The printer growls shortly, throwing out a prescription, and doctor Schmidt signs it vigorously before handing it to Javi, eyes shining golden from behind her glasses.

“Here you go. And please, remember, proper diet is a key to your health, okay?”

“Okay.” Javi nods, taking the paper from her hands “I promise I will behave.”

“I hope you will, Javi.” doctor Schmidt sighs, but her eyes are full of sympathy “As much as I like you, I don’t enjoy seeing you here too often.”

Javi smiles, and slides the prescription to his backpack before saying his goodbyes and walking out. He will take care of that later, because now he's already late for work, and even though he gave Patrick some heads up, he doesn’t want to ignite more questions. 

He manages to get to the office in a pretty decent time, and Patrick smiles at him from behind his desk when Javi drops on his own chair, letting out a deep sigh.

“Hey there, all good? Doc told you something interesting?”

“Just a regular check up.” Javi says and Patrick flashes him a short smile before glancing back at the papers on his desk. Javi watches him for a moment and once again wonders if he should tell Patrick about him and Yuzuru. Not about everything, of course, but Javi feels kind of bad for not even mentioning they they knew each other before. They’re friends and they run a business together, and Javi can’t afford himself to lose his trust. 

But it’s not the time, so Javi chases the thoughts away as he tries to focus on work. He quickly spots a few mistakes in the blueprints and he wants to smack himself. Being distracted is one thing, but making stupid errors at work is not something really justifiable. 

He gets so into it he stops noticing the passage of time, and he doesn’t really pay attention when Patrick clears his throat pointedly, and then again, standing right in front of Javi’s desk.

“Hmm?” 

“It’s lunchtime.” Patrick announces and Javi nods absently, ready to ignore that information, busy with making notes, but then he remembers the promise he made to his doctor, and he decides that it’s high time to start somewhere. 

“Yeah, uh, wanna grab something together?”

“That’s what I was implying.” Patrick snorts, but his expression is fond “Want to go to that Greek place? I feel like moussaka, so I can pretend I can go on some vacay soon-”

Dreams of vacation are especially pleasant now, in the wet and gloomy weather, and as they walk towards the restaurant Javi can feel in his bones the nearing winter, and he flinches, zipping his jacket all the way up. He has lost some weight lately and it's annoying how quickly he gets cold these days, so he firmly decides that yes, time to start taking care of himself, no matter what.

It starts raining exactly the moment they get their coffee, fat drops running down the window and Patrick groans, unamused. 

“I swear I can’t wait for the Christmas break, I need my sun and cocktails on the beach.”

Patrick’s family has a tradition of going away for the last week of December, usually some exotic location that isn’t as occupied these days, and he tends to send Javi a lot of tipsy selfies that he later feels embarrassed about. When they were younger Patrick used to offer Javi to join them, but he always preferred to spend them with Laura and well, save a bit of money. 

“Send me a postcard.” Javi chuckles, tapping the menu absently, and Patrick grins at him before tilting his head thoughtfully. 

“You’re going to visit Laura, yes?”

“Yeah. I should start thinking about presents, probably, There is much time left, but you know I’m terrible with these-”

“That’s true.” Patrick admits with a snort, but there is some seriousness lingering in the corners of his eyes “I was just thinking, if we get that hotel done as planned, we could allow a few extra free days.”

It’s a perfectly innocent comment, but Javi can tell what’s behind these words and Patrick’s unusually timid smile, and his stomach churns unpleasantly. 

“We’ll see.” he says, hoping to brush the topic away “You know, what about-”

“Man, I’ve known you for a long time.” Patrick sighs, not having any of that “And I know there are things you don’t want to talk about, and there are times you turn into a sad looking skeleton. And you don’t owe me any explanation, but let me worry a little bit, okay?”

He gives Javi a firm nod before dropping his eyes to the menu, and Javi swallows hard, feeling guilt rising in his throat, and he knows that he owes Patrick a bit more.

“I know him.”

“Huh?” Patrick hums, narrowing his eyes with confusion as he looks up at Javi “Who?”

“Yuzuru.” Javi mutters, everything inside him stirring nervously, and he can barely watch as Patrick’s face changes, going from confusion to understanding to doubt, until it settles on slight confusion again.

“Well, that explains your weird behaviour during that meeting.” Patrick sighs finally “You… met him in a foster house?”

“Yes.” Javi mumbles, and it’s the only word he can push past his throat now.

Patrick looks at him for a moment longer, and then he gives him a small smile, and he shrugs a little, with compassion. 

“Always knew you had some baggage, and it’s fine if you don’t want to share. But just… if it can influence the deal with Shimada, tell me, okay?”

“We-” Javi tries, and has to take a sip of his coffee to be able to speak again “We have some history, but there is no… bad blood.” he says, and it almost doesn’t feel like a lie “So I don’t think there should be a problem.”

Patrick looks at him for a moment and nods slowly, clicking his tongue and then breaking into a honest smile.

“Well, fine then. And don’t worry about it.” he adds, probably noticing Javi’s uncertain expression “It’s cool, as long as you’re cool.”

"I- thank you." Javi manages and Patrick shakes his head, smiling wider. 

"Not a big deal. Don't go all sappy on me, okay? Now, where is the food, I'm seriously dying-" 

He acts perfectly normal, and Javi feels his throat clenching with all the emotions. He knows that his friend cares, but that he's never going to press because that's just who he is. Javi knows that if he wanted to, he could tell Patrick everything, but he doesn't feel it's the right moment, or there will never be one. Still, it's somehow relieving, that there is one piece less that he has to hide. 

* * *

  
  


Javi sits down on his bed, letting out a quiet sigh as he leans against the headboard, stretching his legs. He made a fatal and sudden decision to go for a short run and he can tell he's going to regret it tomorrow. He's wildly out if shape but he decides to try and get in a bit better form before Christmas, so Laura won't have reasons to worry. 

He checks his alarm, and after a moment of inner debate he sets it for twenty minutes earlier and chooses the highest level volume, remembering how hard it is for him to wake up after taking sleeping pills. He nods to himself, and pats Effie’s head gently, her fluffy form curled on a pillow next to his, and then opens a little bottle and shakes one pill out. He takes a deep breath and then quickly swallows it, taking a few sips of water and then lying down comfortably. Javi knows it will take a few minutes, so he grabs his phone again in search for some distraction, and he spots a new message notification from just three minutes before. 

_ Would you like to have dinner with me on Wednesday? _

Javi’s heart skips a beat, and he wets his lips before slowly typing the response. 

_ I would love to! _

He stares at it, blinking and wincing a little before deleting and trying once again. 

_ That sounds lovely! _

Nope, delete.

_ Sounds great! _

He scrunches his nose, not really satisfied, but he can’t think of anything better so he just sends it before it would become suspicious. His brain starts turning a little bit fuzzy, so he looks at the screen for a few more seconds, but when no answer comes he puts the phone away, letting himself fall into warm, soft cocoon of sleep, and for the first time in ages he doesn’t dream of anything. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're doing alright guys <3


	10. Then

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Is this a Christmas chapter in May? Yes!   
I feel like this update is kinda choppy (is that a word? whoops), but I hope you'll enjoy!

Yuzuru didn’t really think about Christmas until he walked into the school two days after his birthday and saw all the decorations in the mail hall, and his stomach turned, making him feel a bit uneasy. 

Him and his family never really celebrated Christmas, but they would usually exchange some small gifts, his parents giving him sweets and new socks and Yuzuru giving them extra long hugs and making his famous avocado toasts with onion and dried tomato flakes. It had always been simple and warm, and now, standing in a school hallway under a garland of fake holly, with paper snowflakes glued to the lockers, it felt like a punch to the stomach, a mocking reminder of life he had lost. 

His throat was full and itching, and for the first time he felt like he was going to have a breakdown at school, an invitation for bullies to harass him again. But then, when he was just on the edge, someone’s arm slung around his shoulders, pulling him closer.

“So pretty, isn’t it? I’m so excited!” Jason squealed happily “I love this time!”

“Yeah.” Yuzuru muttered, Jason’s warm grip helping him collect himself a little “It’s fun.”

“There will be Christmas concert next week, and a lottery, and I can bet miss Bourne will tell us to make cards during art class-”

Jason kept on babbling happily as they walked to the classroom, and Yuzuru was grateful for that. He clang to long sentences about homework and weather, and slowly his heartbeat came back to normal, a feeling of panic seeping out of his body. He even managed to focus during his classes pretty well, and by the time lunch started, his mood was pretty okay. He wasn’t ecstatic, obviously, but he was much calmer than in the morning. So even when after the lunch they headed for an art class, he gritted his teeth and started slowly preparing Christmas cards, because that was the only thing he could give to Jenny and Michael, and to Javi, and he wasn’t going to deprive them of those small gifts just because he was feeling sick everytime he thought of a Christmas tree. 

“I have a surprise.” Javi announced halfway their way home “I think you will like it. Well, I hope you will like it-”

“What surprise?”

“I can’t tell you now, I would ruin it.” Javi laughed “Better tell me how was your day?”

“It was okay.” Yuzuru shrugged, reaching out to collect some snow from a bench they were passing by, forming a little ball absently “Boring.”

“Got some homework?”

“Math.” Yuzuru whined “So much math!”

“We will figure something out.” 

Javi wasn’t a math genius, but he was a solind student and always tried to help Yuzuru out. He had recently got an idea that he would like to be an architect in the future and for that he needed his counting skills. He was pretty good at drawing already, scribbling little houses or funny animals on post-its and putting them inside Yuzuru’s notebooks. It was a nice gesture that always made Yuzuru smile, and in exchange he would help Javi with his history assignments- that was something Yuzuru liked a lot and already had higher knowledge than most of the kids his age. 

“So, what is this surprise?”

“Ah damn it, I think I’ve set expectations too hi- hey!” Javi squealed when a snowball hit the side of his face “Oh this is war, come here you little demon-”

They chased each other all the way to the house, and before they walked inside they had to spend solid five minutes on brushing all the snow from their clothes off.

“Oh boys.” Jenny sighed, shaking her head with a fond smile “Clean yourself up and I will get your food warm. And call the girls, they haven’t eaten yet.”

It was a comfortable affair, sitting around the kitchen table, eating and talking about the day. Sarah and Vanessa were bright like little birds, laughing and chirping and allowing Yuzuru to stay a bit more quiet. Even though he felt pretty good in their company, he still wasn’t much of a talker with many people around. 

"Next weekend Michael has the whole Saturday free, so I thought we could go find some Christmas tree. What do you say?" 

"Yay!" Vanessa squealed, seeming really excited, and Yuzuru just nodded, looking down at his plate and feeling bile rising in his throat. But before he could fall into that bad spiral, he felt a foot nudging his under the table, and when he looked up he saw Javi's encouraging smile, and the threat of bad mood faded away. 

Javi's surprise turned out to be a bar of mint chocolate and books about astronomy from school library. 

"Remember last time we stared at the sky and were clueless about it? Well now it's too cold to go out on the roof, but we can prepare ourselves for spring."

"Oh!" Yuzuru yelped, intrigued, sitting down on the carpet and reaching for the nearest book "So many pictures!" 

"Yeah, I just thought it would be fun." Javi chuckled, scratching the back of his neck, a bit sheepishly "It's not like, uh, I want to force you to study, but there is like, not so much to do-" 

"It's awesome."

Yuzuru liked spending evenings like that, especially now, when darkness was coming in the afternoon and the world outside was freezing and not that friendly. Yuzuru wasn't fond of spending hours in the crowded living room where everyone was huddled in front of tv; he would always choose sitting in their cosy bedroom, reading and talking and listening to some of the cassettes Javi owned, fun, upbeat music filling their space with warm sounds.

The chocolate was good, the flavor lingering in Yuzuru's mouth. And he had fun, looking at the pictures that felt vaguely familiar, spelling names that reminded him of some myths he had read before, and simply feeling content. 

"We should make a trip to the south. I want to see Crux." Yuzuru decided, tapping one of the photographs "Can we go?" 

"Well, not tomorrow, but we for sure can plan it. Where would you like to go?'

"Maybe… " Yuzuru hummed, scanning the page "New Zealand?" 

"Okay, that's a plan I like, and I think in fifteen years I will have enough money for that."

"It's a deal." Yuzuru said, deadly serious, reaching to take Javi's hand "We go to New Zealand to look at the stars."

"Okay." Javi nodded, squeezing Yuzuru's hand, his laughter bright like a sound of silver bells "It's a plan."

* * *

Yuzuru bit on his lower lip, a little thing that always helped him to keep his focus, and lightly touched the paper with his brush, painting a soft, steady line looking just like he wanted it. 

"It's so pretty!" he heard next to his ear, and he flinched with surprise, almost staining the paper with red paint. 

"Thank you." he said politely, turning to meet Ava's blue eyes "It's a Christmas gift."

"It's really nice? Is it the lake?" 

"Yes. I really liked it during the fall."

Ava smiled and said a few more compliments, but Yuzuru knew she was just being extremely nice. The picture was okay, but nothing too special, something every child his age could paint. Still, he hoped that Javi would like that, rendition to that place where the bond between them had tightened only to grown unbreakable now. He really wanted to finish it that day, but when he was about to mix some yellows, miss Bourne announced that it was time for them to head for the Christmas concert and Yuzuru suppressed a sigh. He was slightly annoyed, but then Jason jumped to him and took his arm, and Yuzuru relaxed a little. It was going to be just an hour of songs about Santa and girls dancing in their snowflakes costumes. 

It started with a bit too long and very enthusiastic speech from the principal, and then the stage was flooded with kids from the youngest grades, and Yuzuru had to smile a little, because they were quite adorable with their red hats and clumsy, uncoordinated choreography. 

After a few more performances, he found himself quite enjoying the performances, especially a really funny sketch about Santa being confused about geography and getting lost on the way to the kids. But then the stage was taken by a girl Yuzuru didn’t know the name of, but her locker was close to his. She smiled, clearly a little bit nervous, and cleared her throat quietly before announcing that she was going to sing  _ Driving home for Christmas.  _ Yuzuru wasn’t familiar with that song, but the title made his heart clench weirdly. 

The melody was nice, upbeat and soft, and the girl’s voice was nice, but after first two lines Yuzuru’s eyes started filling with tears and he would probably get up and leave before he embarrassed himself for the whole school to see, but then Jason wrapped his arm around Yuzuru’s shoulder, bringing him closer, and Yuzuru breathed out deeply before leaning against Jason’s side.

They didn’t exchange a word until the songs was done, and then Jason reached to his backpack and handed Yuzuru a pack of tissues, smiling kindly.

“Do you want to go grab donuts after classes? I got some birthday money and I feel like grabbing something sweet.”

“Birthday money?” Yuzuru echoed after cleaning his face and putting the rumpled tissue into his back pocket “When’s your birthday?”

“Umh, two days ago.” Jason laughed and before Yuzuru could feel terrible about missing it, he added “And don’t feel bad, I don’t know when it’s yours either-”

“Boys, please, silence!” mr Sidney said sternly and they clamped their mouth shut, smiling at each other with understanding. 

After the concert- luckily without no more incidents- Yuzuru went to find Javi and ask if it was okay for him to go with Jason after school. 

“Sure, just tell me where you’ll be so I tell Jenny. And come back before midnight.”

“I will try.” Yuzuru said with a smile, already forgetting about the crying thing, and he squealed quietly when Javi ruffled his hair, telling him to have fun.

The rest of the classes went unusually quickly and then Yuzuru followed Jason to a cosy pastry-shop a few blocks away. It was warm and totally empty if not counting a silver-haired lady standing behind the counter, smiling at them brightly.

“What can I do for you, gentlemen?”

“Which one would you like, Yuzu?” Jason asked kindly, and Yuzuru shrugged with a sheepish smile.

“I need to think, they all look so good.”

After a long moment of inner debate he chose a strawberry donut while Jason chose one with chocolate glaze and colorful sprinkles, and they sat by a small table standing close to the window. 

“Thank you.” Yuzuru said and Jason nodded, reaching to pat Yuzuru’s shoulder.

“I hope you’ll like it. And I’m happy you joined me. I love company.”

He didn’t mention what had happened, always tactful desire his bubbly, straightforward nature, and Yuzuru realized how lucky he was, to have a friend like Jason, and his throat clenched so much he had slight problem with swallowing a bite of his donut. 

"It's very good." he said when he got his voice back "I love strawberries."

"I'm glad." Jason smiled, and once again Yuzuru thought that his new life, despite being so different of what had used to be, and so different from what he planned- it was truly worth living. 

* * *

  
  


Christmas Eve was on Saturday that year, and Jenny was really happy about it, singing quietly when Yuzuru entered the kitchen in the morning, yawning and in need of something hot to drink. 

"Good morning, sweetie, you're the first up again." she smiled "You have to wait for a breakfast a bit, I'm a little snowed under in here-" 

"I'm not hungry yet." Yuzuru said, perfectly content with his cup of tea "What are you doing?" he asked curiously, because despite an early hour, it looked like Jenny was busy cooking for the whole army. 

"We're going to have a special dinner tonight." Jenny announced, tasting something from one of the pots and nodding with approval "Michael’s family is Polish and they have some traditions for Christmas Eve that I grew to love."

"Oh." Yuzuru hummed, a bit intrigued "So you celebrate today?" 

"Yes, like… a party in advance." Jenny chuckled "Traditionally there should be twelve courses, but I'm for sure not doing everything-" 

"Do you need some help?" Yuzuru chimed in and he looked at him, smile soft and fond. 

"You're so sweet, Yuzu, but first breakfast."

"I can make a toast and then help."

"Okay then, grab something and then I will show you how to prepare mushrooms." 

It was a busy, wonderful day. 

They all put last decorations up, helped with cooking and cleaning and going by Jenny's instructions, they wrapped their gifts and put them under the Christmas tree. There was so many new information and things to do that Yuzuru didn't even have an opportunity to sit in the corner and sink in a pond of memories and melancholy. It was nice, to feel needed, like a piece of some big puzzle, fitting well. He almost didn't notice the passage of time, and suddenly Jenny was telling him to go upstairs and change into something not stained with a tomato sauce. 

"And take Javi with you when you found him!" 

Javi had been outside for the big part of the day, doing something with Michael and Liam, and Yuzuru wondered where he could be. 

He found Javi quickly, standing by the landline phone, eyes closed as he gripped the handset and said something in hushed Spanish, words Yuzuru couldn’t recognize but somehow they sounded familiar, like sentences Javi sometimes mumbled in the middle of the night when he was turning in his bed in a shallow slumber. And it striked Yuzuru all of the sudden, something he was sometimes forgetting- that Javi was still a child himself, only three years older, but for Yuzuru he was often almost an adult, because of how confident he seemed, and how much care he was showing Yuzuru. But now, standing in the corridor and clutching the phone in his hand, he looked young and vulnerable, and Yuzuru hesitated, a part of him wanting to back off and give him a moment of privacy. But then Javi opened his eyes, and smiled, adding a few short sentences before ending the connection and putting the handset back into place. 

“Hey.” he said, voice warm “Laura says hi.”

“Say hi next time too.” Yuzuru said without thinking, and cleared his throat “Jenny says we should change.”

“Ah yes, it’s time.” Javi nodded, smile growing wider, even though there was still something like melancholy lingering in the corners of his eyes “I still need to wrap my gifts.” he added, stepping closer and ruffling Yuzuru’s hair “I see you were on some adventures in the kitchen?”

“I had much fun.” Yuzuru nodded, feeling a bit odd, and then he just followed an impulse- and wrapped his thin arms around Javi, nose pressed against his chest.

“Okay?” he asked quietly, one short word conveying all the questions and emotions suddenly rising inside him, and Javi let out a quiet, strangled laughter before dropping a kiss to the top of Yuzuru’s head.

“Very okay. Now let’s see if I have something decent to wear.”

  
  


The table looked kind of magical, covered with a nice cloth and with green and red bouquets in the vases, flickering lights from the Christmas tree dancing on glasses and plates. 

"Wow." Liam exhaled, eyes skimming over the pots and bowls filled with food "So cool!" 

"I'm glad you're impressed." Jenny said with an amused smile "But before we eat, there is one thing we like to do."

Yuzuru tilted his head with interest, and nest to him Javi smiled knowingly. 

“There this nice tradition that we like to celebrate." Michael said, taking an elegant plate with a pile of wafers and offering them to everyone around the table "Everyone takes a piece of wafer and then share little bits with everyone, exchanging wishes.” Michael explained, breaking off a little piece and putting it in his mouth, demonstrating how it was supposed to look like. 

Yuzuru had never heard about that before, but it seemed like a nice thing. Everyone got up reaching for a piece, except of little Lincoln who was already munching on his wafer, squealing happily. Yuzuru's first instinct was to turn to Javi, but before he had a chance to do so he felt a careful hand on his shoulder and saw Liam's careful smile. 

"So, uh, Merry Christmas." Liam muttered "And, umm, sorry for, you know."

"Merry Christmas, Liam." Yuzuru said softly as they took a little pieces of wafers and put them in their mouth, and Liam's smile turned a little bit wider. 

There were wishes of health and good grades, honest smiles and hugs, and then, finally, he got to Javi, looking up at his kind, smiling face. 

"I wish you all the best." he said "Because you deserve the bestest, and I hope you'll get everything you dream of."

"And I-" Javi smiled, reaching to brush Yuzuru's bangs away "I wish for you to be happy. And to sleep peacefully."

It seemed like he wanted to say something more, but in the end just smiled a bit wider, and then they were gently urged to sit down so they could start eating.

It was comfortable and warm, and Yuzuru even let the others to rope him into a conversation between bites, and Michael was keeping them all entertained by telling them really funny stories from his childhood. The food was really tasty, and Yuzuru was really moved that she had put so much effort and care to make sure they all could celebrate that time together.

After finishing eating they gathered around the Christmas tree to exchange the gifts they had put there before. It was mostly small, homemade things and sweets from the kids and some little things like socks and mugs from Jenny and Michael. It was all lovely and made Yuzuru’s throat itch, and when he unwrapped the last thin package his fingers were a little bit shaky. 

It was a bar of some fancy chocolate tied together with a piece of paper folded nicely in two. Yuzuru opened it and saw a pretty drawing made with grey pencils, soft hills and high mountains in the background. On the first plan, was a house tucked in between pine trees, all big windows with shutters and smoke swirling into the sky from the chimney. And then, in the bottom right corner of the page were a few words scribbled with Javi’s crooked handwriting. 

_ So you don’t forget. Love, Javi. _

Yuzuru swallowed hard, a bunch of sparks exploding in between his ribs. He raised his head to search for Javi, and he found him sitting on the floor, busy keeping Lincoln occupied with a snowman toy. Yuzuru smiled to himself, looking at the picture again before turning to Vanessa to ask how she liked her gifts, letting the feeling of calm and fondness fill every cell of his body, letting everything else fade away.

* * *

Yuzuru was sleeping pretty good lately, nightmares rarely coming to him, and a plushie he could cling to in the night. And if he still woke up, sweat running down his temple and tears pricking in his eyes, he could always cross the room and climb under Javi's blanket, letting warmth and closeness calm his anxiety down and lull him back to sleep. 

Now, however, Yuzuru wasn't scared. 

"Hey Javi?" 

"Hmm?" came in a sleepy hum, and Yuzuru smiled, turning his head. 

"Can I come to you?" 

"Duh."

Yuzuru wasted no time, and seconds later he was safely curled by Javi's side, smiling slightly against his shoulder. 

"What's that?" Javi mumbled, reaching to ruffle Yuzuru's hair "No bad dreams yet, right?" 

"No." Yuzuru said, closing his eyes and realizing that for some reason Javi smelled like gingerbread "I'm just…"

"Yes?"

"I think I'm happy." Yuzuru whispered, hiding his face into Javi’s shirt. 

A little voice in the back of his head was telling him that he shouldn’t be admitting that. That it wasn’t right, to feel that way, that he should still be too overwhelmed, sad, longing. And those emotions were still there, because he would never get rid of that little painful thorn in his heart; but despite all of that, he let himself slowly realize that it wasn’t a crime, to feel happy, even after all what had happened to him.

"That's good." Javi breathed out softly, reaching to rub a few soothing circles between Yuzuru's shoulder blades "You need to carry that with you, now."

“I will.” Yuzuru murmured, his eyelids fluttering “I will share with you.”

“Good.” Javi whispered “Then I have to keep you close."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couldn't help but sneak in my fave tradition in here!


	11. Now

Javi hums quietly, grabbing his comb and looking into the mirror to check if everything beside his hair looks presentable. His shirt is fresh and ironed, maybe a bit loose on the shoulders but not bad. His face looks better than before too, since he has been sleeping pretty well the past few nights, so for the first time in forever there aren’t dark circles under his eyes, and he’s feeling very good about that.

He does all he can to get his hair under control, and wonders if it’s the high time for a haircut. He needs to make sure that he looks good before his trip for Christmas, because the last thing he wants is to freak Laura out by looking like a zombie. And well, now he wants to look good too, remembering Yuzuru’s new style, and Javi doesn’t want to stand out in a bad way in his presence. He’s a little bit nervous, he has to admit. The previous meetings with Yuzuru were a little bit bumpy, and Javi isn’t fooling himself with hoping that it would be exactly smooth now, but maybe still a little bit easier.

Javi sighs, and puts the comb away, meeting his own eyes in the mirror.

_ What do you want? _ his expression seems to be asking, and Javi would love to know the answer. He could see it in both Matteo and Cortney’s faces, that bit of surprise, a shadow of doubt, and Javi isn’t blaming them for that. It’s all a messy tangle of memories, of past and present mixing, and Javi just feels like he can’t let go. He didn’t really have any say in that in the past, and if he can do something now, he will.

He’s startled back into reality when he feels Effie rubbing her head against his calf, and he clicks his tongue, crouching to caress her head and push her away gently.

“I love you, but I can’t have your fur on my pants.”

Effie seems to be okay with it, leaning into his touch one more time before walking away, and Javi smiles, standing up. Whatever happens on the dinner, he knows he at least can come back to his cat, and he has learned through the years how important it is, to have something to look up to.

Before leaving his apartment he checked the restaurant Yuzuru had proposed, so he knows that he’s heading somewhere not as fancy as the hotel they had that first dinner at, but also not somewhere Javi would usually go. But after checking the menu he knows he’s able to afford a meal there, so at least it’s not going to be embarrassing. It’s such a contrast to what they were doing while younger, buying ice cream or fries to share. And Javi is truly glad that Yuzuru has found a family that took him in and took care of him, and that he seems to have a good life. It’s everything Javi ever wanted for him, but the presence crashes with the past so harshly Javi still can’t get used to it.

He steps into an elevator, and he can’t help but feel a thrill of excitement, and allows himself to think that it actually is going to go less awkward than the last time. They’re two adults and they’re going to have a nice dinner in a restaurant with a great view, and Javi will just figure things out as they go.

He spots Yuzuru the moment he enters, sitting by a table close to the glass wall, looking at his phone, shoulders hunched a little, and Javi can't help himself from smiling a little as he approached him.

“Stop slouching or you’ll have a humpback.” he says without giving it much thought, and Yuzuru flinches, looking at up him and blinking rapidly, caught off guard.

“Hi.” Javi adds, sitting down, and Yuzuru gives him a half smile, but at least he’s not as tense as he could be.

“Hi. Bad habits die hard, I guess.”

Javi nods and drops his eyes to the menu. He wonders if it’s okay to get a drink, and after a moment he figure that one beer wouldn’t kill him, later he will water it down with some soda and he by the time he has to take his meds it will be okay.

“I’ve never been here before.” he hums, choosing to keep some kind of conversation going “The view is awesome.”

“I’ve never been here before either.” Yuzuru admits, glancing from above his menu, one corner of his mouth curled up in a half-smile, and Javi takes it as a success “I might have googled it.”

Javi chuckles with acknowledgement, and when a few minutes later a waiter comes to collect their order, he asks for a risotto, and Yuzuru tilts his head.

“We could get some wine to that.” he says and Javi just nods, a tiny bit dumbfounded, and then watches how Yuzuru turns to talk to the waiter, and he realizes he has never seen Yuzuru drink alcohol, and he suddenly can’t stop wondering how his eighteenth birthday looked like, the thought making his stomach clench. He has so many questions, and he wants to know so much, but he’s not sure how to ask, so he just sits there, waiting for Yuzuru to look at him again.

“So-” Yuzuru starts when the waiter is gone “How are you doing?”

“Good! Busy.” Javi says quickly, glad “You?”

“Busy as well. There’s always a lot going on when the end of the year is close. And-” Yuzuru hesitates, wincing a little “I have to go back to Vancouver soon.”

“Yeah, you’re probably needed. And I bet they miss you.” Javi says, for some reason choosing not to use the word ‘family’.

“There are some things to close.” Yuzuru nods, and his smile grows a tiny bit wider “And yes, Koshiro is texting me everyday to come.”

“That’s adorable.”

“He is.” Yuzuru admits “Maybe you could meet, one day.” he adds, and then gasps quietly “If you would want.” he says hurriedly, and Javi’s heart flutters, just a little bit.

“That sounds nice.” he smiles, and he’s grateful than in that moment the waiter comes back with the wine, so he can quickly figure out where he wants to take the conversation “He’s younger, right?”

“Seven years.”

“Oh.” Javi sighs, a bit surprised “That’s quite a gap.”

“It is. But I like it, being a big brother.” Yuzuru says, and then his eyes shine with something like hopeless determination “Took some notes from you.”

“Good.”Javi nods, now feeling slightly awkward, and takes a quick sip from his glass “I’m, uhm-”

“Yes?” Yuzuru presses, seeming a bit anxious, and once again Javi wishes so much for things to be different, for it to wouldn’t be so damn difficult.

“Just… I’m curious. How have you been, all those year.”

“I-” Yuzuru starts, but his voice cracks a little, so he tries his wine and looks at Javi again, more collected than before “I’ve been good. After all procedures were done we moved to Japan for a while, I went to high school there. We came back when I graduated and I went to university here.”

“What did you study?”

“Business.” Yuzuru says, his mouth twitching a little, and Javi wonders if it was his choice and if he grew out from his love for history “It was convenient.” Yuzuru adds, as if he could read Javi’s thoughts “And boring. I wasn’t a good student.”

“Why?” Javi can’t stop himself from asking, and Yuzuru looks at him for a long moment before shaking his head gently, and Javi gets that he shouldn’t press.

“And you became an architect, like you always wanted.”

“Yeah. Wasn’t easy, but got there.” Javi smiles, and Yuzuru smiles too, wider than before, warmer.

“I’m really happy.” he says softly, and it’s almost enchanting how much his face changes when he smiles like that, and Javi can’t look away, gaze skimming over Yuzuru’s cheekbones, a few strands of hair falling over his forehead. He looks at his chin, and he thinks he can see that faint scar Yuzuru got in that little accident they had by the lake once, and his heart jumps, and clenches, and when he moves his gaze to Yuzuru’s eyes, he sees huge and dark, filled with something Javi can’t name but what looks like terrible, hollow longing, and his chest hurts numbly.

“Javi, I-” Yuzuru starts, and licks his lips, letting out a quiet, frustrated huff “Do you need anything?”

”Huh?” Javi blinks, confused “What do you mean?”

“Just, I thought, if maybe-” Yuzuru stammers, a slight blush creeping on his neck, and Javi gasps quietly, realizing what he means.

“I’m good. I have a good job, you know?” he attempts to joke, and Yuzuru almost smiles, but for most part his expression stays distressed.

“I know, it’s just-”

“You don’t owe me anything, Yuzu. You know that, right?”

“Javi-”

Javi doesn’t want to listen to that, so he acts on an instinct. He reaches across the table and covers Yuzuru’s hand with his, a quick spark travelling up his arm.

“The only thing I want is to spend time with you.” he says, letting the words leave his mouth without thinking them through, and hoping that Yuzuru will feel that he’s being honest “We can’t ignore the past, but we can… we can’t ignore that we met again either, right?”

“Suddenly you believe in destiny?” Yuzuru asks, his voice trembling a little, and Javi gives him a little crooked smile.

“Maybe I always did.”

He wants to withdraw his hand, but then Yuzuru turns his and catches Javi’s fingers, and everything stops, the world fading away and it’s just them, holding hands and looking into each others’ eyes, and it feels so right, somehow their palms fitting perfectly together after all that time. Yuzuru’s eyes are shining and there is the whole universe in them, constellations that are carved in Javi’s memory and also some brand new stars Javi can’t wait to learn by heart.

“Excuse me?”

The both gasp and pull back in an instant, and the waiter’s smile is apologetic, as if he feels bad for his interruption, but two plates in his hands demand to be served.

“Enjoy your meal.” he says before walking away quickly, and Yuzuru seems to be a bit baffled, but when he glances at Javi, he smiles a little.

“It looks good.”

“It does.” Javi nods, and he realizes that he’s really hungry, which is definitely a good thing after the time of barely eating anything.

They exchange a few sentences about their food, but Javi drifts away for a moment, going all the way back to the past, and he thinks about Jenny and how much care she always put into preparing meals for all of them, even though some days she was dead on her feet, always busy, always in motion. He misses her, and he makes a mental note to call her soon and ask how things were going. They phone each other from time to time, but Javi chooses not to tell Yuzuru that, just in case. He doesn’t want to upset him, not when things are going alright and they feel more and more comfortable around each other.

When they finish eating Javi orders a glass of sparkling water and looks at Yuzuru, ready to resume the conversation, but he’s not sure what to say, and judging by Yuzuru’s little, uncertain smile, he isn’t sure what to do say either, and that’s relieving, in some way. Because it means that they both care, even though they’re kind of awkward and unsure.

And it’s good, Javi thinks, examining Yuzuru’s features once again, that they’re able to look each other in the eyes, and that they’re both trying.

That counts, right? If the world is fair, it counts for something.

“I think I should be going soon.” Javi says after a moment “It’s getting late.”

“Okay.” Yuzuru simply nods and turns to search for the waiter.

Javi’s feeling a little tired, and he thinks it’s good to keep the steps slow for now, so they won’t overdo it. They just have to grow used to the fact that they’re present in each other’s life once again.

They split the bill and walk to the elevator, and as they step inside Yuzuru inhales slow and deep, and turns to look at Javi, a bit nervous.

“I have, uh, a car coming to pick me up. Do you need a ride?”

“I’ll be good. I live like twenty minutes from here, and walking is good for sleeping.”

“Okay.” Yuzuru says again, and chews on his bottom lip before adding “You sleep well?”

“Not too bad.” Javi choses to answer “And you?” he asks, and he can recall it so well, Yuzuru’s fragile form trembling with tears in his arms, and then his steady breathing as he fell asleep, calm and maybe just a little bit happier.

Javi wonders if Yuzuru ever truly understood how much Javi needed that too, closeness, someone to hug, a warm hand in his. He always tried to be strong, for everyone's sake, for Laura not to worry and for Yuzuru to feel safe. And now he almost tells Yuzuru that he would take that ride offer, just so he can have company for a moment longer. But then they step outside, and it's snowing, little white flakes dancing in the air, and Javi smiles, enjoying the way freezing air is swirling in his nose.

"So-" Yuzuru hums, stopping and turning to look at Javi "You sure you don't want-?"

"I'm good." Javi smiles, shaking his head "I like snow."

"I know." Yuzuru says softly, and then takes a deep breath, giving Javi little, a bit tired smile "Then I will... see you soon?"

“See you soon.” Javi whispers, and he almost reaches to caress Yuzuru’s face, but he stops himself, anxious that it could be too much, or maybe that it would only make him crave something more. 

Yuzuru looks at him for a minute, eyes travelling across Javi’s face as if searching for something, or trying to remember. Whaterver it is, he steps back after a moment, and he seems to be halfway between smiling and crying; he nods shortly, and gets to the car, and Javi turns around and doesn’t watch him leave.


	12. Then

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter today, but necessary before what's going to happen next in both Now and Then chapters later!

“It needs a nose!” Sara ordered loudly, jumping quickly to warm herself up “Every snowman needs a carrot nose!”

“I don’t think Jenny would appreciate us storming the kitchen and stealing her carrots, let's think about something else?” Javi suggested and Sara pouted a little, but then Vanessa tugged her hand and they ran off to another part of the garden in search for the snowman's nose. 

“He kinda looks cute like that, don’t you think?” Javi hummed and Yuzuru shrugged, eyeing the snowy figure. It was big, almost as high as him, with an enormous head topped with Michael’s broken shoe, and bottle cups forming eyes and a crooked, a bit terrifying smile. 

“Hey, what’s about the gloomy face? You still didn’t sleep the new year’s off?” Javi asked, stepping closer and tugging at the pompom of Yuzuru’s hat. He was joking, of course, their new year’s party had ended twenty minutes after midnight when the fireworks died down and Jenny ordered that it was bedtime. It had been fun and Yuzuru actually slept pretty well, but now, in the early afternoon of the brand new year, Yuzuru was feeling a little bit tired, as if after those few intense days filled with light and celebration his enthusiasm wore off a little, and well, kind of gloomy indeed.

“I like him without a nose.” he chose to say and Javi looked at him doubtfully, but before he could voice that, the girls were back with a short piece of some red pipe, really excited about their find. After a bit of struggle they managed to put it in place and the snowman’s face looked a little bit less horrifying now when all the features were in place. 

“Good job guys, he looks awesome.” Javi said, and Yuzuru noticed a slight quirk of his mouth, and suddenly his mood went up a bit.

“Maybe Liam would like to see it?” Sara hummed quietly “I will go ask.”

“That’s a good idea.” Javi smiled and Sara brightened up, taking Vanessa’s hand and running towards the house. Yuzuru doubted Liam would like to come down, to be honest. After Christmas Yuzuru thought he would open up a bit more, but one day he just locked himself up in his room and Yuzuru had no idea what was that about, and he didn’t ask. They were on better terms than before, but Yuzuru had no idea what was going on with Liam, and in the end he didn’t think it was his business.

“Heyyy.” Javi whined playfully, a little pout forming on his lips “I’m really hurt, you know, with your lack of attention.”

Yuzuru couldn’t help himself, he snorted quietly, aware that he wasn’t the most attentive roommate lately. And Javi liked a bit of attention, so Yuzuru just stepped forward and wrapped his arms around him, feeling wet fabric of Javi’s jacket against his cheek.

“Sorry.” he sighed, looking up and meeting Javi’s gaze “I feel a bit weird.”

“I’ve noticed.” Javi hummed, reaching down to gently tug Yuzuru’s bangs under his hat. He didn’t have gloves and his fingers were red and cold, but Yuzuru still enjoyed the touch.

“But you’re okay?”

“Yeah.” Yuzuru shrugged “Just weird?”

Javi hummed again, expression thoughtful, and then he brightened up and flicked Yuzuru on the nose.

“I know! What about we make some resolutions?”

“Oh.” Yuzuru gasped, not really sure about that. He had heard about new year’s resolutions before, but he never thought about doing something like that, finding it kind of pointless and mostly for show. But Javi seemed kind of excited, and Yuzuru guessed that it was the high time to try.

“I’ll go first!” Javi exclaimed, putting his hands on Yuzuru’s shoulders and shaking him playfully “So I plan to have better grades, buy Laura something nice for her birthday and… ha, teach you how to swim!”

“Swim?”

“Or you know that already?”

“I don’t.” Yuzuru shook his head, and smiled, deciding to play along “But then I guess I want to learn. And be a math master, and-” he stopped, suddenly not sure what else he could plan. Javi seemed very satisfied with that though, nodding with approval.

“Great! Now, the girls are taking long, let’s see what’s going on inside, okay?”

“Yes.” Yuzuru nodded, taking a step back and taking Javi’s hands in his gloved ones “You’re silly.”

“Oh how dare you?!”

“Doctors will have to amputate your fingers!”

They walked back home in pretty good moods, but the moment they stepped inside Yuzuru could sense that something was wrong. Sara and Vanessa were sitting in the kitchen, still wearing their jackets and looking anxious, Jenny was trying to cook while holding Lincoln and there were some loud voices coming from upstairs, which actually made Yuzuru gasp, because Jenny and Michael never raised their voice.

“Uh.” Javi hummed, a bit unsure, stopping by the kitchen door and putting his hand on Yuzuru’s shoulder “Is everything okay?”

“Yes, just Michael is having a little talk with Liam-” Jenny started, and then almost jumped when there was a loud sound of something breaking right over their heads “Oh my god.” she sighed tiredly “Kids, take your jackets off and sit down, okay?”

They all did what she asked them to, and she handed quietly blabbering Lincoln to Javi before leaning against the kitchen counter and looking at them with a gentle, exhausted smile.

“We didn’t really want to tell you too quickly, but situation… escalates, so you all deserve to know. So… Liam’s mom has been doing very well recently and it’s very probable Liam will be allowed to come back home.”

The girls let out a collective gasp and Yuzuru felt something inside him shifting anxiously. He knew that he wasn’t in the same situation as the rest of the kids, who still had some members of family that just couldn’t take care of them. And it had been explained to him that in his case it was different, but there was still a possibility that someday someone would like to adopt him. He hadn’t really thought about it before, too busy finding himself in the new situation, but now he could feel his blood freezing with fear.

The others were saying something but Yuzuru didn’t even listen, panic rising in his throat, and he stood up abruptly, mumbling something incomprehensive before rushing upstairs, barely hearing his name being called through the pounding in his ears. He made it to his bed in a record time and curled there, back against the wall and forehead pressed to his knees, a million pictures flashing under his closed eyes.

He had to breathe, he knew that, but his his throat was clenched and chest tight, and suddenly all he could think about was his mom, her face clearer than during the past few weeks, and it hurt too much. He had been trying so hard to put his life in order and it suddenly felt like a betrayal to his parents, to feel so connected to that place even a little thought of leaving was making him feel sick with anxiety.

The door cracked quietly and Yuzuru knew who it was without looking, and he felt a weak pang of relief when the mattress dipped and a familiar arm wrapped around his shoulders.

“Hey.” Javi muttered “What’s that? You’re going to miss Liam so much?”

Yuzuru didn’t answer, just climbed into Javi’s lap, hiding his face against his neck and breathing slowly, calming himself down. Javi sighed quietly, rubbing soothing circles on Yuzuru’s back before sliding his hand to card through Yuzuru’s hair.

“Are you afraid?” he asked softly and Yuzuru didn’t answer, clenching his eyes shut even harder than before and knowing that Javi would get it.

“Me too.” Javi admitted quietly and Yuzuru pulled back, surprised.

“What?”

Javi chuckled, and then sighed, reaching to brush Yuzuru’s bangs away before squeezing his shoulder gently.

“I know that… that you don’t want to leave this place. That you feel good in here. But in a few years you will grow up, and leave, and I… I don’t want you to be alone then.”

“But- but I’ll have you!” Yuzuru whispered, his heart stuttering with fear “Javi?”

“You’ll always be my person, Yuzu.” Javi smiled tenderly “But I’ll be sixteen in a few months, and next year they might allow me to live with Laura. And I just, I want you to have a good life, you know?”

Yuzuru knew, but it wasn’t making anything easier. And he didn’t want to think about that, about the scary and distant future, because it was too much and too heavy, so he just let Javi embrace him again, close and warm, his heartbeat familiar against Yuzuru’s ear.

“But we’re still going to New Zealand, right?” he mumbled, and Javi chuckled, kissing the top of his head.

“Of course we are.”

By the dinner Yuzuru’s mood was better, and after eating he volunteered to help Jenny with the dishes. He quite liked spending time with her and could tell that she was glad too, smiling warmly as she was handing him dishes to wipe.

“You’re doing okay, Yuzu?”

“Yes.” Yuzuru hummed, polishing a plate with a cloth and putting it away “Just, uhm, got surprised.”

“Oh sweetheart.” Jenny sighed, reaching to caress his cheek briefly with a wet hand “I wish we could give you more… stability, but-”

“It’s okay.” Yuzuru said quickly, because he really didn’t want her to feel guilty. Her and Michael were doing the best they could, but Yuzuru was truly realizing that it was just a part of a long journey that was ahead of him.

“Yuzu?”

“Sorry.” he shrugged, smiling sheepishly and reaching to take a glass from Jenny’s hand “But I understand. I just hope… I hope I can stay here for a while.”

Jenny didn’t say anything at that, just smiled tenderly before asking him about school, always trying to make him feel secure. So Yuzuru played along, grateful for the bits of normality that he was still building his life on.


	13. Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> psst I live  
sort of  
:p

It’s dark and cold when Javi steps outside his building and he shudders violently despite being covered with three layers of clothes, freezing air instantly seeping through his skin and into his bones. He winces and jogs in the direction of the metro station, his big backpack jumping on his bag uncomfortably but he doesn’t stop to fix the straps until he’s on the platform, a little out of breath but at least warmer than before. 

The road to the train station is familiar, and he even manages to buy some snacks before he climbs inside and finds his seat, sighing with relief when he sinks against the soft backrest. There’s five hours journey to Montreal ahead of him, and then much longer one to Halifax. Patrick was really unimpressed with the fact Javi chose such a ridiculously long train ride instead of planes, but Javi was actually looking forward to that. There’s something so calming about just sitting there, watching the landscape change and listen to the soothing sounds of moving train, carrying him closer and closer to his destination.

Javi checks once again if all the gifts are still securely tucked between his clothes and then falls in a shallow on and off slumber that makes his travel to Montreal pretty bearable, so when he exists the train he even decides to go for a short walk around and then sits in a lovely cafe. He orders a coffee and doesn’t plan on eating anything, but when a gently smiling waitress suggests that maybe he could use some breakfast before his travels, he agrees and even manages to eat whole three toasts and even a little salad. And then he gets back to the station and hops into the train, now a sleeping bunk waiting for him, and even though it’s not even noon, Javi firmly believes that in travelling everything is justified; so he takes advantage of the fact that he’s alone so far and he quickly changes into his sweatpants and hops on the upper bank, smiling wildly when he finds out that the pillow is very comfortable and that there is an electric socket within the reach of his phone charger. 

He browses through the Internet, sends some ridiculous selfies to Laura, Matteo and Patrick, and then laughs when his very serious business partner sends him some pics that strongly suggest he had some Bloody Marys for brunch. He feels good and a little light- headed, but then his heart skips a beat when his gaze falls on Yuzuru’s name on his contact list. For one crazy second he wonders if he should maybe send him a message, but he quickly decides against it. He places his phone under the pillow- after setting three alarms on, just in case- and let’s his thoughts drift away, all the way to the past, to those Christmas days that feel like centuries before, as if happened in some another life, to someone else. 

Javi sighs and closes his eyes, oddly glad that he still feels sleepy. It’s the middle of the day and he hasn’t even taken his sleeping pills, but he likes that odd state when he’s still able to think somewhat clearly but with that warm, fuzzy feeling slowly climbing all the way from his toes to his head. So he lets that feeling take control over him, wrapping him in a blissful cocoon of unconsciousness and offering him rest that he’s still constantly needing. 

* * *

When he steps out of the train on the Halifax station he’s still half asleep, but he immediately spots a familiar face on the deserted platform.

“Hey!” Richard smiles, way too bright for that hour “Let me take that, okay?” he asks, tugging at Javi’s backpack without even waiting for the response “How was the journey?”

“As long as always.” Javi jokes and his brother- in- law snorts, adjusting Javi’s luggage on his back.

“And you’re as sunny in the morning as always.” he teases, putting a hand on Javi’s shoulder and gently guiding him towards the parking lot “You want to stop at Mcdonald’s for some coffee?”

“That would be great.”

Richard is probably the best brother-in-law any guy could wish for. He’s kind and has a good job, also he’s so madly in love with Laura it’s still amusing to see, even though it’s been almost eight years since their wedding. The least amazing thing about him is that he has a house in a really small town on the coast of Nova Scotia, but it’s a beautiful place and Javi knows Laura loves living here, so there isn’t really anything to say. 

They stop by a drive thru and Richard places their order- one big coffee with milk, one tea, two times big fries- and he sends Javi a knowing grin as he slowly guides them out of the city. 

“Our ladies are really excited to see you. Zoe was really determined to wait all night for you but she crashed around eleven-

“Well she’s my favourite for a reason.”Javi jokes, thinking about the oldest of his nieces, lively six years old with Laura’s brown eyes and Richard’s straw-like hair. He’s so happy that Laura has a family now, someone more than just him, that she has a loving husband and two beautiful daughters. And if her happiness is bound to a place so far away from Javi, he’s going to take it, because in the end it’s her happiness is what counts to him the the most.

“Eat your fries before they turn gross.” Richard says, breaking Javi’s little bubble “I mean, Laura will feed us the moment we step inside, but you look like you could use five says of a feast.”

“Thanks.” Javi snorts, taking a sip of his coffee, trying to chase the last remains of sleep away and failing, yawning widely “Ugh, sorry.”

“That’s fine.” Richard chuckles, throwing him a fond glance “How’s work?”

Javi’s grateful for that change of the topic and they spend the next hour on an easy talk about their jobs and prices of Christmas trees. It’s nothing deep, but it manages to keep Javi awake until they reach the house, and Javi smiles widely when he sees familiar white walls and green shutters. When he steps out of the car he’s greeted with air warmer than in Toronto and with a familiar sting of salt, a quiet whispering of the sea filling his ears with a gentle sound. 

“Home sweet home.” Richard sings longingly, as if he hasn’t been here for two years instead of two hours, and he grabs Javi’s backpack from the trunk.

The moment they step inside they’re attacked by two little munchkins wrapping their tiny libs around Javi’s middle and knees.

“Uncle Javi!” Zoe cries out with delight while her younger sister Riley just squeals happily, clutching Javi’s leg so hard he’s not sure he should even try to move.

“Hi.” he laughs shortly, caressing their heads, but he doesn’t have much time to pay much attention to them because then there’s Laura, and even in her most rumpled clothes and with flour in her hair, she’s still the most beautiful woman Javi has ever met.

She doesn’t say anything, just steps closer, gently detaches Zoe from Javi’s sweater and hugs him, close and tight, her warm nose pressing against Javi’s neck. She smells like cinnamon, and her whole presence is so comforting Javi feels all the exhaustion disappearing for a moment, and it’s only them, brother and sister, as if the world doesn’t exist.

Javi can hear Richard engaging the girls into carrying his luggage to the guest room, and after a moment he pulls back a little to look at Laura’s face, and even though her eyes are shining, her face is full of love and care.

“Hi.”she smiles, reaching to touch Javi’s hair curling above his forehead “Tired?

“Only a little bit.”

“Good, because girls can’t wait for you to help them with gingerbread cookies.” Laura chuckles before hugging him tight again, and if Javi can feel a few hot drops wetting his skin, he’s not saying anything about that.

“Just let me take a quick shower and I’m all yours.”

It’s a good day, filled with warmth and laughter, and Javi spends most of it in the kitchen, helping with cooking and baking, but mostly playing with Zoe and Riley who are so thrilled to have him they refuse to let go of him, clutching his legs and elbows.

“Girls, be careful, if I trip over you I won’t be happy.” Laura warns them, and that makes Riley pout and wave at Javi, demanding to be picked up. He does that gladly and gets a loud kiss on a cheek that makes him laugh. 

“You got so big.” he hums and Riley reminds him seriously that she is three years old and then promptly falls asleep in his arms, her cheek resting on his shoulder. 

“It’s her nap time.” Laura chuckles, looking at them fondly “You can put her on the sofa in the living room and come back, you will help Zoe with potato salad, Riley sleeps like a stone.”

Later, sitting in the kitchen and dutifully cutting potatoes, Javi wonders briefly if maybe he should move here, or at least somewhere closer. He shakes that thought away quickly, reminding himself that he has a life in Toronto, and a developing business, and that he has made that choice some time ago. But still, he wishes he could see his only family more than three or four times a year.

“Uncle Javi?” Zoe chimes in, breaking her adorably focused expression to look at him with a smile “Did you bring us presents?”

“Oh I don’t know, were you nice for the whole year? Listened to mom and dad?” Javi teases and Zoe glances at Laura before nodding firmly.

“Yes!”

“Well then I guess I can find something in my backpack.” 

Zoe seems satisfied with that, because he brightens out, giving Javi a toothy grin before resuming her careful work. Above her head, Laura sends him a soft smile, and Javi smiles back, and it feels like home.

He showers again in the evening, feeling a little sweaty after all the work in the kitchen and then helping Richard with hanging Christmas lamps all over the front wall of the house. He walks around his room only in sweatpants, waving one of his shirts in the air to make it maybe a bit less wrinkled before he gets back to Laura and Richard. And then a quiet knock to the door startles him so much he drops the shirt and watches how Laura pokes in, smiling at him.

“Can I?”

“Sure.” Javi smiles back, reaching to pick the piece of clothing up “You scared me.”

“We don’t have ghosts in here yet.” she chuckles, stepping closer “Girls are sleeping and Rich is waiting downstairs so he can finally test if that wine he made in the summer is any good.”

“Oh, I’m honored that he craves my opinion as much as yours.” Javi laughs and Laura bites her lip for a moment, eyes shining with happiness. 

“Actually, I can’t drink.” she says, pressing her hand just below her heart and Javi gasps, stunned and thrilled.

“Oh my god, are you-? You didn’t say anything!” he exclaims, pulling her into a hug “Congrats, I’m so happy!”

“Thank you.” Laura chuckles, kissing his cheek “I wanted to tell you in person.”

“Yeah.” Javi murmurs, nuzzling against her hair. He’s truly happy, warmth circling in his veins, but then his thoughts drift away a little as he makes a decision and draws back gently to look Laura in the eyes.

“Actually, there’s something I have to tell you about, too.” he clears his throat and Laura frowns, alarmed.

“What’s that? Is everything okay?”

“Yes. Just- I met Yuzu.” Javi blurted out, the nickname coming to him suddenly, and it’s time for Laura to gasp, her eyes widening.

“O- how? Did he find you? How-”

“We’re doing a project for him. For his father.” Javi says quickly, his throat burning for some reason “We… we met a few times. We talked.”

“Oh.” Laura sighs softly, reaching to cup Javi’s cheek briefly “And how are you feeling about it?” 

“It’s-” Javi hesitates, trying to put in words all that complicated mess tangled inside him “I missed him so much.” 

It doesn’t explain much, but Laura seems to get it, even though her expression morphs into something between understanding, warmth and sorrow.

“I remember the last time I saw him.” she murmurs, her gaze dropping down and Javi knows exactly what she’s looking at, and his stomach flips unpleasantly “I remember thinking I had never seen someone more crushed.” 

Javi can’t say anything at that, too caught up in his feelings and memories of the past, and Laura sighs, moving to hug him once more, holding him with care and love.

“I know he was so important to you.” she says quietly “And if you still want him in your life, I hope he stays.”

Javi breathes in deeply, the faint scent of cinnamon still lingering in the air and calming him down again. He feels better now, once he told Laura, and even though the situation with Yuzuru is still complicated, for some reason it doesn’t feel so overwhelming now.

“Okay.” he chuckles, a bit wetly “Let me get dressed and we can go downstairs to try that famous wine.”

“It’s black currant.” Laura laughs before leaning to kiss Javi’s cheek “I will run to the kitchen to get some snacks, I’m hungry again, I swear-”

“I’ll be down in five.” Javi promises and Laura nods with a smile before leaving the room, closing the door quietly. 

Javi lets out a long sigh and grabs his forgotten shirt again, hesitating a little before slowly walking towards the mirror. He looks a bit better than a few weeks back, and maybe he still can count all his ribs, but he’s definitely not as miserable. There are things about his appearance that can’t be really fixed, but at least he can gain some muscles not to look like a skeleton, and he seems to be on a right path.

* * *

There’s certain charm to the towns like that one, with straight streets and lovely houses and everyone knowing everyone, waving at them as they walk around during their last minute shopping. Laura handed Javi a short list and also Zoe and Riley, the girls eager to go for a walk with their favourite uncle and play in the snow on the way. 

It’s not so late in the afternoon, but the world is getting darker already, normal at this time of year. But it’s nice like that, with Christmas decoration blinking from trees and windows, and Javi smiles as he watches his nieces running around in constant awe. 

“Girls, be careful.” Javi asks, watching how they start a competition who will slide further on the slippery pavement, and he checks the notes, trying to figure out if they have to stop somewhere else “Okay, I think we have everything, so we can-”

“Noo, let’s stay!” Riley whines, attempting to throw herself into the snowdrift but is stopped by Zoe grabbing the hood of her jacket.

“There is hot chocolate at home.” she says and that seems to be a winning argument because Riley suddenly demands going back as fast as her short legs can carry her. They choose the road by the sea, quiet and dignified, and there’s something calming about it, about barely there whisper of the waves against the shore, and his heart skips a beat as his thoughts travel to Christmas Eve years back, celebrated so much differently than he had used to with his parents and now with Laura, but it makes his chest fill with nostalgia.

“You girls go inside and tell mommy I will be there in a moment, okay?” he asks when they reach the house and the girls are too caught up in dreams about hot chocolate to ask him questions. Javi laughs shortly, and then takes a deep breath, walking across the snowy garden and stopping under an old cherry tree, now deprived of leaves but dressed in pretty colorful lights. 

He stands there for a moment before turning around and taking his right glove on so he can type on his phone, fingers going cold instantly. It’s not like he thought it through, but it feels right, and when he puts the phone to his ear, he’s smiling.

“Javi?”

“Hi, Yuzu.” Javi says, and somehow it’s surprisingly easy that time “I hope I don’t interrupt, it’s just for a moment?”

“No, no.” Yuzuru says quickly, and Javi can hear how surprised he is, how unsure “I, um- hi. How are you?” he asks with a slight stiffness in his voice Javi can’t blame him for.

“I’m good, I’m visiting Laura.” Javi explains and Yuzuru hums quietly, and Javi can swear he hears footsteps and sound of a window being opened, and he wonders if it’s getting dark in Vancouver too “I just wanted to wish you merry Christmas. And… all the happiness in the world.” 

Yuzuru inhales sharply and he doesn’t say anything for a moment, and Javi doesn’t break the silence either, just keeps on looking at the stars, a view he can’t really have in Toronto, lights of the city too blinding. There’s the whole country between them but for some reason, in that shared moment of silence, it’s easier than during the past months, and Javi thinks that maybe time can’t heal old wounds completely, but maybe it can make them hurt less.

“Thank you.” Yuzuru says after what feels like eternity, his voice a little shaky but warm “I wish you to be happy too. And to sleep well.”

Javi chuckles and looks down for a second, and when he raises his head again, the stars are turning a little bit blurry. 

“I will see you soon?” he asks and that time Yuzuru doesn’t hesitate.

“Yes.”

When Javi walks back into the house five minutes later his right hand feels like its about to melt, but he smiles widely when Laura throws him a questioning glance.

“All good?”

“Yeah, just wanted to share some wishes.”

“Okay then.” Laura smiles, coming closer and kissing his cold cheek “Now,  _ While you were sleeping starts  _ in twenty so if you’re fast enough you can grab a shower, and Rich is preparing popcorn and tissues.”

“I’ll be down in ten.” Javi laughs, and decides that yes- he’s going to be happy, for as long as he can hold on.


	14. Then

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! It's been quite some time but juggling real life and 472374 fanfics has been a bit of a struggle lately :D But I had some time today so I sat down and spent the evening on writing this chapter, and I hope you'll enjoy!

“Hey Yuzu?”

“Mhh?” Yuzuru hummed quietly, looking from above his history schoolbook “Yes?”

“I’ve been thinking that maybe we could get some flowers.” Javi annouced, and Yuzuru narrowed his eyes, a little bit confused. 

Javi was lying on his back in the middle of the floor, claiming that he had injured his back during P.E. class earlier in the day, and Yuzuru didn’t question that; but he definitely had some questions about why the heck Javi was talking about flowers. 

“For the girls. And Jenny.” Javi said, turning his head and grinning at Yuzuru “For the Valentines?”

“Oh.” Yuzuru blinked “Uh, yes, why not?”

He totally forgot about that, never celebrating that day and never really paying attention. But Javi’s smile was excited, and well, it was such his thing to do, trying to make people happy, and he clearly couldn’t wait to surprise Jenny and girls with that chivalrous gesture.

“I have a few dollars to spare, I’m very rich.” Yuzuru said lightly and Javi laughed, eyes twinkling.

“Damn, you’re telling me I’m living with a millionaire?”

“Of course.” Yuzuru said, holding a serious face for a moment before breaking into a grin “By the way, when you say girls, do you mean Greta as well?”

“Obviously! I will hand her the flower and hope she doesn’t bite my head off.”

Greta had come a week earlier, wearing a plaid shirt and old coat and instantly becoming the subject of Vanessa and Sarah’s awe. She took the free bed after Liam, and with only two months left until her eighteenth birthday, Jenny was letting her be, and wasn’t even giving her troubles about smoking, as long as she was doing it outside.

“I think the flowers are a nice idea.” Yuzuru said softly, serious again, and Javi smiled back at him, warm as always.

“Great you agree!”

Yuzuru nodded and then looked down, but couldn’t contain the smile that was still spreading on his lips. He couldn’t really focus on what he was reading anymore so after a few more tries he closed the book and rested his chin on his folded hands, glancing at Javi.

“Are you feeling better?”

“I think so.” Javi hummed, but didn’t change his position even a bit “I might be a little dramatic tho, but my back hurts really bad, okay?”

“What dreadful thing were you playing, to hurt you so bad?”

“Handball!”

“Huh?” Yuzuru blinked, unfamiliar with the name “What’s that?”

“Umm, it’s like a really cool sport! It’s not so popular here but it’s kinda a big things in Europe, you just… gotta score, but not like football or basketball.”

“So how?”

“Like… the net is like in football but you don’t kick the ball?”

“That sounds weird.” Yuzuru giggled and then he made a sudden decison, slipping out from his bed to the floor and lying next to Javi.

“Hey.” Javi chuckled, reaching to ruffle Yuzuru’s hair “What’s up?”

“I wanted to check what you’re looking at.” Yuzuru hummed, looking at the ceiling as if there was something fascinating there, beside plain boards and that extremely ugly lamp with a cloche in a color of rotten cabbage.

“Just picturing the constellations.” Javi chuckled and Yuzuru smiled, wondering when they would be able to sneak to the roof and watch the stars. For now they had to stick to the books, since it was definitely too cold to sit outside, and Yuzuru was looking forward to spring. He liked winter, the crunchy sound of snow under his shoes as him and Javi walked to school, but he was kind of excited about the new season, about longer, warmer days and nature coming back to life slowly.

“What are you thinking of, hmm?” Javi asked, poking Yuzuru’s cheek playfully, making him giggle.

“Nothing. I’m sleepy.” Yuzuru said, turning on his side so now he was basically curling against Javi, head resting on his shoulder, eyelids fluttering heavily, the sleepiness creeping on him all of the sudden.

“And you want to camp on the floor with me?” Javi chuckled, and Yuzuru hummed, nestling his head more comfortably.

“I’ve never been on a camping trip before.”

“Really? We need to go one day in the summer!” Javi insisted, tugging at Yuzuru’s hair lightly “Okay, my friend, enough of that back straightening.”

“Okay.” Yuzuru yawned, pushing himself up on his elbow and then standing up.

He wanted to say something funny, but then Javi got up too and Yuzuru saw his expression, suddenly not careless anymore, but something like melancholy shimmering in his eyes and twisting his mouth in a slight grimace.

“Are you okay?” Yuzuru asked tentatively and Javi blinked quickly before smiling and reaching to brush Yuzuru’s bangs away, a gesture so natural by now he seemed to be doing it without thinking.

“Yeah.” he sighed, shoulders hunching a little “Just, memories.”

“Oh.” Yuzuru breathed out, shifting his weight from one leg to another, not sure if he should press. He never knew what to say in those moments, when Javi’s smile was fading away as the memories were coming back to him, and it was hard to watch, how his usual high spirit was dimmed by something so painful and heavy, the loss still hurting him, no matter how hard he was trying to hide it. 

So Yuzuru did the first thing that came to his mind- he stepped forward and gave Javi a big hug, squeezing him extra tight. That was also familiar, the warmth, Javi’s hand on Yuzuru’s nape, his heartbeat against Yuzuru’s ear. It was safe and comforting, and when Yuzuru glanced up at Javi again, he saw his friend smiling. 

Some things truly didn’t need words.

* * *

Yuzuru thought they were going to pick up roses, but Javi suggested getting gerberas, claiming that they were cheaper and extremely pretty. So on the 13th, right after school they walked to a flower shop to buy their gifts, and Javi managed to charm their way through it and the saleslady gave them a small discount. And when they got back home it was Yuzuru’s job to make sure that people gathered in the kitche over dinner would be occupied as Javi sneaked upstairs to put the flowers into water.

It was honestly so nice to see Jenny’s surprised yet touched expression, and when she pulled away after hugging them tightly, Yuzuru noticed that her eyes were a little bit wet.

“You’re such sweethearts.” she said, putting the flower into a vase and reaching to caress their faces tenderly “Thank you so much, it’s lovely.”

Sarah and Vanessa bursted into giggles, clearly excited and pleased, clutching the flowers in their small hands. Yuzuru had been a tiny bit anxious if Greta would appreciate the gift, but she gave them a crooked smile and approved the choice of flower.

“Cool. Kind of out of the box, since it’s believed to be a great flower for those with a broken heart.” she said with a wink, and Yuzuru breathed out a sigh of relief before sending her a wide grin.

It was a good start of the day, the breakfast going in happy, carefree atmosphere, and as they steppted outside Yuzuru wasn’t even bothered by the harsh wind forcing him to pull up his scarf over his nose. And as he decided that he was going to have a great day, Javi spoke, glancing at him with a smile.

“You will be okay coming back home by yourself?”

“Oh?” Yuzuru blinked, confused “Yes, I’m not a baby!” he exclaimed, pretending to be offended, but curiosity was making his blood circle faster “Why? Do you go to the store after?” he asked, thinking that maybe Javi would go to his part job, but his friend shook his head, smile turning a little sheepish.

“Uh, I actually have a date!”

Yuzuru was so surprised he actually stopped.

“A date?” he repeated, as if to make sure, and Javi nodded eagerly.

“Yeah. With Betty, I don’t know if you know her?”

Yuzuru nodded slowly, faintly recalling a girl with black curly hair and preference for red clothes. He had seen them talking a few times, but never seen anything suggesting they fancied each other, and Yuzuru shiften uncomfortably, some wierd itching starting in his throat.

“Okay.” he said awkwardly before resuming their walk “It’s cool, I can go by myself! And I hope you have fun!”   
“Thanks!” Javi grinned, clearly in a great mood, but Yuzuru couldn’t shake off a little feeling of weirdness that settled inside him.

He was so used to being with Javi for most of the time that a sudden prospect of having to walk home without him was making Yuzuru’s stomach churn. It was one of many little rituals they had and missing one felt kind of wrong; but Yuzuru also realized that Javi had been barely hanging out with his schoolmates, and he wondered if he was a reason for that, occupying Javi’s time so much. And just like that, he felt guilty, for being so selfish, and he blinked quickly before he could do something stupid, like start crying.

“Hey.” Javi said gently, alarmed by the prolonged silence “What’s that? You’re mad at me?”

“No, no!” Yuzuru rushed, horrified that Javi would think that “Um, just, wondering how dates look like.” he lied lamely, but Javi seemed to buy it, letting out a short laugh.

“Aww, don’t worry, I will tell you all after!”

“Cool.” Yuzuru nodded, smiling back and not feeling cool at all.

School corridors were crowded with groups of giggling girls and boys pretending they were above it but at the same time kept on trying to catch the attention of their crushes. It was loud and corful with flowers and paper hearts plastered to the lockers. Teachers seemed to be sharing the good mood, especially after receiving flowers from ‘anonymous adorators’, which resulted in them giving students barely any homework. Everyone was thrilled about that, except for Yuzuru, who surpressed a sigh and hung his head, continuing to doodle in his notebook. With no schoolwork to do, Yuzuru had no idea how he was going to spend the day on his own. Watching tv didn’t seem appealing, as well as joining Sarah and Vanessa in their games with dolls. Maybe he could help Jenny with Michael with something, or maybe he could hang out with Lincoln, teach him some new words-

“Hey, Yuzu! Earth to Yuzu!” Jason appeared by his side as Yuzuru was putting some books into his locker “What’s with the gloomy face, are you alright?”

“Yeah. Just feeling a little off.” Yuzuru smiled, and then added without thinking “Have to walk home alone.” he said and immediately flushed with embarassment for making himself sound like a little baby. 

“I can walk with you a bit!” Jason smiled brightly as they moved towards the exit “But where’s Javi?”

“He has a date or something.” Yuzuru said, trying to sound nonchalant, and Jason giggled.

“Really? Well I think every girl at school thinks he’s cute so I’m not that surprised.”

“Mhh.” Yuzuru mumbled and then they picked a casual conversation about mr Joey’s class that lasted for a few minutes until Jason stopped at a crossroad, smiling apologetically.

“Gotta turn left here.” Jason said, and Yuzuru nodded absently.

“Thanks for the walk.” he said and Jason nodded back, swaying on his feet a little and opening his mouth a little, as if he wanted to say something more. 

For some reason he looked shy, and that was such an unusual look on him Yuzuru frowned, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.

“You okay?” he asked, noticing a scarlet blush on Jason’s cheeks “Are you sick?”

“No!” Jason shook his head “I just, um, wanted to- happy Valentine’s day!”

“Thanks. You too.” Yuzuru smiled, and Jason looked at him for a moment before taking a small step closer and leaning forward.

Yuzuru’s muscles reacted before he could think. He stepped back, watching Jason freezing mid-movement, blood rushing to his own cheeks as his mind was catching up. 

“Um, I will, I will see you tomorrow!” he babbled awkwardly “Thanks!” he added, voice sounding more like a screech as he turned arounf and walked as fast as he could, biting his lower lip so hard it hurt.

He might have been twelve, but Yuzuru knew exactly what Jason had been trying to do and he felt panick flooding him, because what did it mean? Did Jason have a crush on him, and did Yuzuru’s reaction hurt him? What was going to heppen, and what should he do?

Tears filled Yuzuru’s eyes as he continued his walk, sniffling quietly and keeping his head down, hoping no one would notice. He was upset and confused and when he reached the house, he knew he couldn’t go inside yet, his state wouldn’t escape Jenny’s attention and Yuzuru didn’t want to talk about it with her. So he walked around the house, hoping to hide in the backyard until he would bring himself to a better state, and he stopped abruptly when he saw Greta, sitting on the stairs leading to the backdoor and smoking a cigarette. He wanted to walk away but she noticed him, raising her hand in a short greeting.

“Hey there, kid.” she said, narrowing her eyes as she scanned his face “I don’t bite, you know.”

Yuzuru hesitated for a moment, but then appoached her slowly, sitting down next to Greta. The steps were cold, so Yuzuru didn’t plan on staying there long, but it was still a better option than going inside. And well, Greta was a little intimidating, but in that moment he was weirdly comfortable in her company.

“So, where’s Javi?” she asked, taking a drag “You’re usually attached by a hip.”

“He had some plans.” 

“Big day today.” Great said, smirking “And you?”

“What?”

“You look like you just chopped ten onions.” she pointed out and Yuzuru winced, suspecting that his eyes were red and puffy and proving that he had been crying just a moment ago. He didn’t know if he wanted to talk about it with her, so he only glanced down at his gloved hands, blinking furiously in case tears would like to fall again.

Next to him, Great sighed, putting the cigarette out before fishing out another one from the pack and lighting the cigarette up..

“I would give you one if you were two years older.” she announced before looking straight at him “So, was some a jerk to you? I will gladly kick their asses.”

“No!” Yuzuru yelped, surprised with her words. They had barely spoke before and here she was declaring such things, that wasn’t exactly what Yuzuru would expect “No one was a jerk, it’s just-”

“Yeah?”

Yuzuru hesitated, unsure, fingers curling, but then he decided that nothig bad could come out of that, and something told him that Greta wouldn’t laugh.

“My friend tried to kiss me.” he said and Greta nodded, taking another drag.

“And you don’t like her?”

“It’s a boy.” Yuzuru muttered, a little nervous, and Greta didn’t even flinch, her calm gaze urging him to continue “And I, um, I ran away, and just, what if he doesn’t like me now? What if he doesn’t want to be friends?” he stressed out, voicing all the doubts and fears that had been clashing in his head “I just, I don’t-” he cut himself off, not sure what he wanted to say, and he felt dangerously close to tears again.

“Well, I think things might be a little awkward now.” Greta said, straighforward as always “But if you guys talk, then I’m sure it will be alright. Just don’t be mad at him, okay? And give him some time if he needs it, but if you’re good friends, then it all will be fine, I’m sure.”

“Okay.” Yuzuru whispered, swallowing hard. It started to snow a little, a few pretty snowflakes landing on his dark pants, and he focused on them, managing not to cry “It’s just, I don’t-” 

“You don’t like boys?” Great asked gently, and Yuzuru hunched his shoulders awkwardly.

“I don’t know.” he mumbled, his cheeks growing hot, and suddenly he wondered if Javi was having fun on his date.

“That’s fine.” Grete said “Don’t kill yourself over that, okay? You’re way too young for love drama.”

“Okay.” Yuzuru half chuckled, half sniffled “Thank you.”

“Anytime.” Great said, standing up “Now let’s go inside before we freeze our asses off.”

It wasn’t really late, but Yuzuru was in his bed anyway, curled under a blanket with a book in his lap and his Pooh by his side, soft fur tickling Yuzuru’s elbow. He was trying to read a book he had found on a bookshelf in the living room, but even though the plot seemed fun, he wasn’t really feeling it yet. So after a few more attempts he put the book away, flicked the night lamp off and closed his eyes, determined to try to sleep.

But the sleep didn’t want to come, even though Yuzuru was growing more and more tired. In his head, he was trying to imagine scenerios of the next day, of what he would tell Jason. He decided not to mention anything until Jason started, trying to act as nothing had happened. That seemed like a good plan, and maybe they would manage to avoid awkwardness. Yuzuru valud his friendship too much to let it end like that. 

He groaned, rolling on his stomach and thinking tiredly of Greta’s words,  _ You don’t like boys? _ , and his tired mind couldn’t provide him an answer.

He was half asleep when the dorr cracked quietly and he heard Javi’s careful footsteps as he walked inside, and then quiet rustling of fabric suggested he was changing into his pajamas. Yuzuru wanted to say something, but he was too tired and sleepy to make a sound, so he just stayed like that, his heart picking up just a little bit. He heard Javi unzipping his bacpack, trying to be quiet but moving around a bit clumsily, and then his footsteps neared, and Yuzuru heard how he put something on the nightstand before he leaned down to kiss the top of Yuzuru’s head, silently wishing him goodnight.

And when he stepped back Yuzuru opened his eyes, just for a second, to watch the blurry outline of Javi’s silhouette, and a bar of chocolate on his bedside table.


	15. Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm a bit snowed under lately but finally felt that magic pull to work on this one, and I'm real happy! Maybe it's not a very intense chapter but I'm happy it's here :D

Coming back to the office after a longer time is always a bit jarring, temperature in the rooms lower than they would like, desks and shelves covered with the thinnest sheet of dust. The first thing they do is setting up the coffee machine, and they spend a good half an hour chatting about their holiday and trying to ignore the fact that the days of freedom are over and it’s time to go back to work. It’s a normal thing, Javi knows, but a big part of him is happy with coming back to his routines, for plans and projects to fill his time again and occupy him, demanding attention and answers, not letting his thoughts wander too much. So when he opens his laptop and sees his mailbox cluttered with emails, the sigh that escapes his lips is one of both exasperation and anticipation. There is some odd urgency inside him, to get back to the usual rhythm of his life, to the comforting familiarity of his tasks, each day similar to another.

“How was Christmas?” Patrick asks casually, glancing at Javi from above his laptop, and Javi shrugs, sending him a smile.

“It was good. Probably boring compared to your wild adventures tho.”

“Oh please.” Patrick snorts, hitting some key with a lot of energy “If by wild adventures you mean laying on the beach and going through the entire drink menu, then totally-”

“Message coming!” Matteo yells from his desk behind the wall and both Javi and Patrick go back to their screens, when on the top of still full mailboxes a new message pops out, sent from some company address and forwarded to them by Matteo.

It takes Javi a second to realize the message is from Shimada’s assistant, passing an information that he would be coming to Toronto soon and would be staying there a couple of days, so he would like to use that opportunity to meet in person, make sure everything is going fine and maybe clear out some minor details. It’s a perfectly normal message, but Javi’s heart skips a beat, and the only thing he can think of is Yuzuru, if he’s going to come too, and the harsh wave of emotions runs through him, letters in the screen turning blurry, and he must look odd because Patrick calls his name, voice pinched with worry. 

“Hey, you’re okay?” he asks, and then glances at the screen, a hint of understanding flicking through his eyes “I can handle that, if you’re feeling, hmm, uncomfortable?”

Javi’s throat clenches with sudden panic, because for a second he can’t remember how much he has told Patrick, but then he relaxes as he recalls their conversation from a few weeks back.

“It’s cool.” he says, bringing back his casual smile “I don’t think Shimada is aware of me and Yuzuru know each other, and I don’t want to make it seem weird. Gotta be professional!”

“Okay.” Patrick nods, relieved “But if anything-”

“I’ll let you know.” 

Patrick nods again and doesn’t press more, and Javi once again feels a pang of guilt, thinking that maybe someday he will gather enough strenght and courage and tell Patrick everything. It feels almost wrong, sometimes, to be such good friends and business partners and yet hiding things that have shaped him as a person and dictated his entire life. But he kept his things to himself in the beginning of this friendship, a distance he intended to put between him and everyone, and even as they grew closer, it felt too painful and awkward to bring that up, and not really necessary, in the end. 

Javi shakes his head, not wanting any of these emotions showing on his face again, and he focuses on work, managing to fight off the urge to check his phone instantly, curious if Yuzuru has written anything. Since their Christmas call they only exchanged happy new year texts. There was nothing after, but Javi firmly believes- no, he knows, he is sure of it- that Yuzuru will keep his promise and that they are going to meet soon. The prospect is exciting, and scary, and Javi pushes the thoughts away, because he knows he can’t allow himself to be overhelmed now.

“Dinner.” Matteo says when Javi steps out of the room with an intention to refill his cup, and he stops, blinking in confusion.

“You, me, my parents, tomorrow. You’ve been stalling too long, so now you better prepare to tell extra long stories about Laura and the girls, and let me tell you, mom is going to be ruthless in demanding details-”

“Okay, okay.” Javi chuckled, raising his arms up “Tomorrow, I’ll remember.”

“Oh don’t worry, I will drag you with me right after-”

Javi is still smiling as he pours himself his second cup of coffee, but the familiar sting of guilt is back again as he adds Matteo’s family to the list of people he should treat better. He sometimes wonders how his life would look like if they got custody over him, but instead the judge decided to send him away, putting him on the path that led him to the place he is now.

And it’s not the worst place, he decides firmly. And he’s going to make everything to make it better.

After work, he doesn’t go straight home. 

He’s about to step into the underground station when suddenly he stops, then turns around and goes to the bus station, arriving just in time to hop into a bus going in the exact opposite direction of his flat. After forty minutes and one bus change he steps out of the vehicle and notices that it’s snowing again, snowflakes glittering gold in the yellow light of streetlamps. Javi opens his backpack and it takes him a moment to find his hait in there, but it’s definitely too cold even for him to go around with his head bare. He stops for a moment, and takes a deep breath, icy air filling his lungs as he stares at the open gate in front of him, at colorful lights shimmering softly in the darkness, colors and shadows dancing on the snowy surface.

The cemetary is quiet, only a few people flitting in the bakcground, grey silhouetts with shoulders slumped in grief. It takes Javi a moment to get to the right place, and since not all the alleys are cleared of snow, by the time he gets there he has snow in his shoes and his gloveless hands are ice cold. But he doesn’t mind any of that, even though it takes him longer than usual to light the candle up, and he sighs out a cloud of relief when he puts it down carefully. 

He doesn’t do that often, visiting his parents like that. He checks every couple of months if everything is alright, cleans up, brings flowers and lights up a candle. Laura always told him that mom and dad were with them constantly, and it was so important for Javi to cling to that, especially right after he had been sent to stay with Jenny and Michael. So he doesn’t speak now, doesn’t say hi, doesn’t talk to the two simple gravestones carrying names that he knows will be forever carved in his heart. 

He stays there for a couple of minutes, letting his mind go back in time, to simpler times and memories filled with warmth and love, until cold seeps through his clothes and bites on his skin; so he walks away, and his heart feels a little bit a little bit ligher while his fingers feel terribly cold. 

But deep inside his chest, there is a fire, small yet strong, sending warmth to every cell of his body. And he knows that as long as it’s burning, he will keep on going.

He has a good evening, after that.

He comes back home freezing to the bone and hops under the shower immediately, sighing as his toes hurt intensely for a moment before his whole body warms up, muscles relaxing, and he spends there more time than usual, just enjoying. He’s not really hungry after, but he knows he should eat something or his sleeping pills will kick extra hard. So he grabs a yoghurt and prepares a tea in the biggest mug he owns, and then goes to settle in his bed, his pillow occupied by Effie. Javi smiles and reaches out to pet her gently, debating with himself whether he feels more like watching a movie or just browsing through youtube, when the calm silence is broken by his phone’s rington.

For some reason he’s not surprised when he sees Yuzuru’s name blinking at him from the screen, as if deep inside he has been expecting that.

“Hi.” he says, surprisingly easily, and he hears how Yuzuru’s breathing hitches a little, as if he is nervous or surprised, so Javi decides he will be the ony carying the conversation, since he’s pretty sure he knows why Yuzuru is calling. 

“I know your father is coming to Toronto soon.” Javi says and Yuzuru clears his throat, and Javi doesn’t have to wait long for an answer now.

“Yes, next week. I, I’m coming too.” 

His words are rushed and tone sincere, a little trembling, and Javi exhales slowly, letting what he wants to say blossom in his chest slowly before making its way to the surface. 

“It would be great to meet, if you have time.”

“Yes.” Yuzuru says quickly, a little louder than before, and then clears his throat again, as if embarassed “I have time, and- yes.”

“Great.” Javi hums, and then he knows there is something he should clear up if he has an occasion “Also, I was wondering, if… what your father knows? I just, don’t want to say something that would, hmm, make things weird.”

“He-” Yuzuru hesitates, and lets out a tired sigh “He doesn’t. They don’t… we never talked too much of my… of the past.”

Yuzuru’s voice is thick, almost like he’s ashamed, and Javi’s heart clenches because he understands, and he doesn’t want Yuzuru to feel bad about it. He knows all too well, how it feels, and how much harder it is to talk about memories than to hide them, sometimes.

“Okay.” Javi says softly, looking down at Effie who is staring at him almost curiously, and he smiles “So we’ll be in touch, yes?”

“Yes.” Yuzuru says quietly, his voice almost a whisper “I will see you soon.”

Javi met Shimada before, and it was stressfull enough, such a serious businessman considering chosing their small company to handle his new project. But now, as they stand on the edge of the snowy field where the construction will begin as soon as warmer days come, Javi feels himself tembling with both cold and a bit of anxiety. 

And also, anticipation. 

He’s pretty proud of himself for managing to stay truly professional, both him and Yuzuru. Since the moment they met a few hours back they exchanged maybe a couple of words, mostly letting Patrick and Yuzuru’s father carry on with the conversation. Shimada is a distinguished man who doesn’t like to waste his words, and Javi feels a little bit intimidated, because now it’s not only a business connection between them; there’s also Yuzuru, who’s currently standing just a few metres away and somehow it feels like miles, and Javi’s cold fingers are itching to reach out, to catch his sleeve, to brush his snow-damp hair away from his eyes. But he can’t do so, so he curls his hands in his pockets and silently listens to the talk happening next to him.

“This looks really promising.” Shimada says “So all the measurements are ready?”

“Yes, but we still want to check the ground when the temperature rises.” Patrick says without missing a beat, so easy-going and professional, Javi will never stop being impressed

“Very well.” Shimada nods, turning around and looking at them “I return to Vancouver tonight and my schedule for the following months is tight, but my son will be staying in Toronto for the next couple of weeks, so he will be the person overseeing this from my side.”

“That’s perfect.” Patrick says, and then he asks some questions Javi doesn’t hear because he’s too busy looking over Shimada’s shoulder and straight at Yuzuru, whose face is pink from the harsh cold wind, but also- he’s smiling. He’s smiling with a smile that mirror’s Javi’s own, and in this moment Javi can see him as he used to be, a teenage boy as battered as him, who’s just learning that it’s okay to be happy, and to smile again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hugs for everyone!

**Author's Note:**

> Like it? Hate it? Don't hesitate to tell me in the comments, and thank you so much for reading!


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